MISUNDERSTOOD

I’ve been down for the last six days but thankfully I was strong enough to write today.

The only thing that got me going since Monday was my sense of humour and I also distracted myself with the social media otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to lift a finger by now.

Anyway my young niece came over to cheer me up yesterday with her baby and she didn’t leave without asking for my counsel.

I thought she was going to just let me enjoy her company but no, she had to make me talk more than I wanted to.

Her worries, which she permitted me to share with my readers since there is something to learn from it, seems to rattle her.

She had her first child seven months ago and sex between her husband and her, has reduced since over five months back. Without talking to her hubby, she assumed he no longer find her attractive because she had a baby.

She said, her husband is working harder and longer than he did before she put to bed.

I felt she misunderstood her husband diminished interest in sex, as a lack of interest in her body.

For crying out loud, the young man is working harder and longer to provide for his young family and he comes home exhausted after long hours at work.

There is bound to be changes in his sexual appetite, unless he is James Bond.

For someone like me, that is the clue and answer to her worries.

Exhaustion is the culprit, not the lack of interest in her post baby body. He has continued to be nice and considerate towards her. It is only the sex that has reduced not stopped. That is a signal he still cares.

With his kind of work commitment, if he didn’t find her attractive he won’t make any effort to check her out at all.

Clearly my niece wants more of her husband and there is nothing bad in wanting more. After all, they are married and she loves him.

I told my niece to lovingly talk to him to slow down and reduce is long hours of work because she needs more of his attention. She should avoid friction between them, by not giving him an ultimatum and not sound as if she is trying to control him.

She will have to also manage whatever her husband can provide and not complain about money, if he has to work less. Alternatively she can find a daycare for her baby and simply get a job to support his income.

That can enable him reduce his work load and pay more attention in the bedroom.

Working so hard doesn’t really mean partners, shouldn’t pay attention to each other’s needs. We have to learn to balance our lives but when it becomes too difficult to do, we can cut each other some slacks and bear with our partner till the situation improves.

Many spouse have sometimes been misunderstood. We shouldn’t always see a wrong move by our partner as hostile, it can easily be an innocent reaction.

Talk to your partner, if you don’t understand what is going on with him or her. There is no harm in asking questions and please apply wisdom in your judgement.

Happy Sunday.

INFIDELITY AND FORGIVENESS

I find it hard to completely forgive a cheating partner even when I am in love with him because I feel betrayed by him but some people are so strong. They look past their partner’s infidelity and totally forgive them.

A childhood friend of mine, had an affair while married. She got pregnant by the man she was cheating with and didn’t declare to her husband that the pregnancy wasn’t his, until she had the baby.

When her husband found out, he was angry but he eventually forgave her and looked the other way because he still loves her. Though he blamed himself for not giving her enough attention which led her to cheat. To me, she had no reason to cheat, attention or not. There are other means of dealing with marital issues without cheating. Anyway, her husband took the child in and raised her as his own.

“All is forgiven” he said and they are still together to this day.

How about the woman that got infected with HIV/ AIDS by her husband. After many years of marriage, her husband had an affair with a younger woman, got infected with the virus without knowing.

Years later, he came down with multiple infections. Got so sick and was tested. That was when he knew he was infected with the virus. His wife had to get tested too. She came back positive and was devastated but she didn’t hold it against him. Her husband infection was eventually traced back to the lady he earlier had the affair with. Funny! She went on with her marriage, nursed her husband each time he was sick and they still got on well.

Her immunity was apparently stronger and she was coping better than her husband. When she was asked, why she carried on with her marriage as if nothing major had happened. She said, she had forgiven her husband’s infidelity and every other thing that came with it, long before he came down with the virus and there was nothing else she was willing to do about it.

These are the kind of people I call strong, tough and determined. Very few people can tolerate such magnitude of betrayal. I will probably not talk to a man like that, for the rest of my life and won’t nurse him when he is sick.

It is one thing for a married person to erroneously get infected with the virus but it is bad enough to get it through infidelity and go ahead to infect your partner. I will definitely blow a gasket, if it was me. Forgiveness will be the last thing on my mind, infact my pain and anger will be palpable.

Reflecting back on this woman’s action and magnanimity, I find myself deeply humbled. I learnt from her story and she has made me to see forgiveness in a different light.

She forgave her husband’s infidelity with everything that came with it and she proved her undying love to him even after been betrayed. Nursing him, when she should be mad at him. Same goes for the man that forgave his wife despite her cheating and he accepted a child, that was fathered by another man. They both believe in total forgiveness without looking back. This is food for thought and a thing to reflect on but would you ever forgive such a betrayal?

PUTTING SEX FIRST

The holidays and festivities are over and I am sure most people are adjusting to the demands of life. I am already back at work and trying to keep to my new year resolutions. Tough I must say, but I am determined to keep to this year’s resolutions unlike the previous years, that I couldn’t keep any. One thing has made me a little apprehensive and I’ve been wanting to talk about it but the holiday celebrations overtook it. It’s the issue of putting sex first in our relationships.

I agree that sex is very important in any intimate relationship, infact sex helps to spice up a relationship but I get confused when sex is put first and above every other thing a partner can offer to one another.

I feel very uncomfortable when a man approaches me for the first time and the next thing that comes out of his mouth after telling me his name, is sex. “Oh you look sexy, you’ve got a hot body or I don’t mind drilling you” as if I am a piece of meat that should be chewed raw. Some women consider such statement as a compliment, I don’t.

Call me old school if you wish, but I don’t think our sexual abilities should be the first thing to fluant in the presences of a potential partner. Sex shouldn’t be our initial selling point. Our character and personality should be what we bring to the table first, unless it is all a joke.

Putting sex first makes it sound as if your mission is purely physical. Even if that is our utmost interest, we should at least be civil with it. Don’t go around describing how good you are in bed or boasting about your sexual prowess to someone you’ve just met. It’s a turn off for people like me because I like to have an intellectual conversation with a potential partner. Get to know them for who they are, not how fantastic they are in bed.

I like a guy that shows interest in my wellbeing not just straight to sex.

The world is already over sexed but we shouldn’t because of that, throw sex in the face of a potential lover to win his or her heart. You have to show some respect to the person you have interest in dating. Not make it sound as if you’re negotiating with a sex worker. It is one thing to joke about it and it’s another thing to be serious with it.

There are people, who also dump their lover for not succumbing easily to their sexual demands after a few period of dating. Others, intimidate and mount pressure on their partner for sex until they agree . Some are cheeky enough to give their partner an ultimatum to either succumb or leave after few months of getting to know each other.

Some people just don’t have the patience to wait or to nurture a relationship. They want sex and they want it now. They are ready to walk away if their demands are not met, even when their partner is a good person. They don’t care about the inner beauty or what the partner is bringing to the table. They believe sex is the only way to take charge of their relationship, especially men.

I once stood by a very sick boyfriend who suffered a sudden massive stroke and he was diabetic. He lost the use of his left hand and leg due to the stroke. We had just began dating before he had the stroke and nothing sexual had occured between us. During his admission at the hospital, I had to sleep in the car outside the hospital premises, night after night because no one was allowed to sleep with him in his room or hang around the ward after visiting hours.

I slept in the car because I needed to be around the hospital should he need me to get something for him and above all, to show I care about him. He got a little better and was discharged for home treatment and physiotherapy.

I continued to look after him at his home, but he kept demanding for sex each time I visited him and I refused. I felt he wanted to prove to me or to himself that he was still a man. I persuaded him to get well first because any stimulation or excitement can lead to another massive stroke and I wasn’t going to be responsible for that. I was so scared of stimulating him in anyway but he didn’t listen, despite my explanation.

He ended the relationship with me without looking back at what I went through with him when he was at the jaws of death. To him, it was either I gave him sex or he wouldn’t continue with what I thought we had going on.

I had to leave him alone as he asked, since he wasn’t ready to wait till he was fit and I was neither ready to take any risk with his life. His health was what mattered more to me, not a few moments of pleasure. I figured It was all about sex or proving his manhood to me than anything else. He put sex first above his health, our relationship and the future we could have had. I had so much empathy for him but he didn’t see that. He literally threw me under the bus without caring about my efforts and feelings.

If you’re serious about the person you intend to be with, please don’t put sex first unless it is a mutual feeling to want sex right away. Otherwise nurture your relationship, be patient with your partner, let him or her trust you enough to want sex with you.

When you have secured the love and trust of your partner, other things will follow. It is too soon to start expecting or pressuring your partner for sex after a few dates. Some people like to take it slow, that doesn’t mean, they won’t eventually get there and some like it hot! hot! hot! No matter what, study your partner, be patient and be civil. Don’t make it all about sex.

For married couples, if your partner is genuinely tired or sick and unable to give you sex, please cut them some slacks. As long as they are not pretending, bear them no grudge and don’t step out behind their back for a quickie. Sex is important, yes I known but we should be considerate about it. Talk and laugh with your partner. Dance with your partner, get to know and understand them also. Don’t see them as only a sex object.

CONFUSING SEX FOR LOVE

Many people confuse sex for love. They believe if the sex is good, they are definitely in love.

Well you have to have more than sex going on, in your relationship before you can conclude you’re in love.

Love and sex are feelings we express towards a person we are attracted to.

Sex can be a purely physical feeling with or without emotions.

While love is a total package, a combination of emotions, warmth, kindness, affection, physical attraction, patience and passion.

Don’t be too sure your partner is in love with you because he or she can’t keep their hands off you. Hands on, can be triggered by love or physical interest.

It is for you to read between the lines and know how you feel and your partner’s attitude towards you.

You have to be able to differentiate between being in love or just having a mere sexual interest in a person.

When you’re in a true loving relationship, sex is always an icing on the cake.

Sex butters a sweet passionate relationship and add pleasure to what love has built, so don’t confuse sex with love.

Remember people have sex without having any relationship with their partners, others are friends with benefits, while some pay for sex.

Although a relationship can start with sex and lead to love. All the same, having a purely sexual relationship with a person doesn’t mean you’re in love with him or her.

No matter how hot the sex is, don’t confuse love for sex so that you will not be disappointed.

THE HEALTH BENEFITS OF SEX

Having sex has always been an important part of any intimate relationship. Doctors and scientists have also confirmed the importance of sex on our health. It is imperative for us to know the benefits of sex to our health so that we can be proactive about our sexuality.

Sex is good and we all know this, especially in a beautiful committed relationship. It helps to relieve stress and it stimulates the happy hormone called serotonin, which in turn makes us happy.

Health professionals are clamouring for people to be sexually active to help beat the stressful life most of us live and to help improve our health.

Many of us have sex for pleasure just to ease off ourselves, without putting our mind into it. Some see sex as a hobby or as a past time and can sleep with anything or anyone. To me, you can only derive an instant pleasure in such an encounter not the total benefit of a deep emotional sex that involves your body, mind and soul.

To derive the maximum benefits of sex, you must be in a happy relationship not a toxic relationship. Not a one night stand or a wam bam thank you sex affair. Not even masturbation can give you 100% satisfaction.

These types of quickie sex can be compared to eating snacks when there is a good and a healthy meal. Snacking with sex can not give you the desired result. We all need the main dish to bring us to complete crescendo not only orgasm.

Crescendo is the gradual increase in the volume of a song and figuratively, that is how our body gradually shivers in heightened delight beyond that moment of orgasm. Climaxing into a rhythmic feeling of pure ecstasy.

At this point of passion, you have no worry in the world. All nerves, body parts and muscles are relaxed. When you have such a regular sexual intercourse, you’re bound to reap the full benefits of sex and more.

The underlisted are the health benefits of sex :
(1) It helps to relax the brain and the muscles
(2) Helps to improve sleep
(3) Lowers blood pressure.
(4) Improves men prostrate health.
(5) Lessen pains, from arthritis and osteoporosis etc
(6) It helps to balance our hormone both testosterone in men and estrogen in women.
(7) Boost our immune system by invigorating our body.
(8) Improves our Libido especially during menopause by adding moist to an otherwise dried vagina.
(9) It’s a good workout for women’s bladder, thereby helping with bladder control.
(10) Eases stress and tension.
(11) Promotes Longevity.

These are good enough reasons to engage in regular sex, so as to enjoy all the above listed benefits. I know many people will be happy with this but that is not a license to be promiscuous or to throw caution to the wind and not practice safe sex.

I am not trying to burst anyone’s bubbles but as good as sex is, there are dangers of sexually transmitted diseases and infections.

We should also becareful not to get addicted to sex because there is a downsize to that as well. As we are digging deep, making love and deriving pleasure, let us aim for it’s benefits.

Enjoy sex at least two to three times a week and reap all its health benefits.

SEX AS A TOOL

Sex is used in many forms of relationship as a tool. It is used as a tool of entrapment. A tool for revenge and blackmail. Sex is also use as a tool of harassment and inducement. Sex workers have continued to use it as a tool to make money.

I can write pages on this topic but l want to limit my discussion on the part that interest me most and makes me uncomfortable. That is using sex as a tool for revenge and blackmail by couples.

When we are upset or mad as hell at our partner, some of us tend to seek revenge using sex as a tool. We deny our spouse or partner sexual pleasure at that point, mostly to express how hurt we are or to whip them back on line.

I don’t think it is necessary or advisable for couples to deny each other sex out of anger. I know it can be tough to feel sexy when you’re in a sour mood and people may see this as normal because they are hurting at that time and feel justified, but l do not see it in that way.

We should separate passion from our anger. Couples should not fuel issues by denying each other sex each time they get into a fight. It should not be used as a form of punishment, moreover having sexual contact while having a misunderstanding can quickly help resolve issues between loving couples.

Taking sexual revenge too far, sometimes lead to break up or infidelity. I wish to discourage it and suggests that sex should not be used as a tool for revenge among couples. Seek better ways to resolve issues that doesn’t involve sex.

Some people also use sex to blackmail their partner to get what they want. I’ve seen lovers blackmailing themselves into submission. For example a partner can make unrealistic demand or ask for gifts etc, which ordinarily a spouse or a partner can not afford or may not wish to buy for them. Knowing their sexual pleasure is at stake, they sometimes go out of their way to please them.

Blackmailing a partner by using sex as a tool, may appear harmless and playful to some partner, but l don’t think it shows a genuine affection on the part of the blackmailing spouse. It is best to stop using sex as a tool in a committed relationship, in fact in any form of relationship.

Let sex stand for what it is, love and passion. Not a tool for revenge, blackmail and whatever. Fight or no fight, gift or no gift, the show must continue. Don’t turn your back on your partner in bed. Sex must continue between two loving couples, no matter how angry we are. It makes for a better and a healthier relationship.

Would you use sex as a tool for blackmail, revenge, entrapment, etc. Yes or no, take the poll or leave your comment. It will be fun to know some of my readers views.

LOOKING GOOD

Looking good is good business. That is a regular saying in my part of the world.

It is important to look good at all times, if only for self esteem. I’ve always told people close to me that l will not be caught dead looking unkempt. I love to look good and l try to do it effortlessly.

One thing we should know as regard taking care of ourselves, is to also try to please our partners. It should be seen as a primary concern.

There must have been a physical thing that attracted a partner to one another at the beginning of a relationship. It is not always about looks, but l feel it is important to keep up whatever makes you look attractive to your partner.

Don’t become a slob simply because you’re too busy to look after yourself, too lazy or too depressed to do anything about it. Don’t even consider it as a task, enjoy looking good and it will be alot easier

I am a very busy person, l multitask, but l still find time to take care of myself. It is not easy to keep up, tough most times, but l’ve learnt to adapt to a routine that works for me and l enjoy doing it.

I get home late sometimes, too tired to lift a finger, but l won’t ever sleep without brushing my teeth, taking an evening bath on warm nights or washing my face and private areas on cold nights. I can’t survive without at least one bath a day.

Some people stay for days without a bath, some don’t even bother to brush their teeth regularly and yet they want to get intimate with their partners with offensive body odour and a stinking bad breath. That is a no show for me.

I always say no one is perfect, but we should rise above personal indiscipline. It is also not advisable to get excessively fat, your man or woman doesn’t need to struggle with your excessive body fats to get intimate with you.

Have a plan that works for you, checkmate yourself before things get out of hand. For instances, I wear a lovely waist bead to keep my weight in check, once the beads start stretching out, l know it is time to adjust myself and that has helped me to keep my weight in check. I also exercise, dance at will, just for fun yet it helps me to be firm. l walk whenever l can instead of using a vehicle.

We don’t have to look like a model to look good, even while fat we can still be a show stopper. No matter the body weight we maintain, we can still look attractive, as long as it is not excessive and we are not going overboard.

Wear clean clothes, get your hair neatly made, you don’t have to break a bank to look good. Do what you can afford, you can wear simple clothes and still look all chic and handsome. Cut your hair when necessary and keep clean nails. Everything should be done in moderation, but still look good.

Look good and stay happy.

On August 31, 2015March 13, 2017 By bunchupIn RelationshipLeave a comment