KNOWING WHEN TO GIVE

It has always been difficult for me to ask people for help and money is one of the most difficult thing for me to demand from anyone because l don’t know what the other person is going through financially.

People may see this attitude as pride or arrogance but it’s none of it. I only don’t wish to be a burden.

I can share my problems with you but l won’t ever ask you for help. It’s up to those who wish to help me, to willingly do so.

I’ve been told by a few people to ask for help when l need it because some will not help, unless they are asked to despite them knowing your problems. Well l haven’t still found my voice to ask, till date.

This brings to mind, my experience with my partner. Throughout our relationship, l didn’t request for favours from him except for his time but he frequently asked me for things which l obliged whenever l can.

He comes to my home for meals, always wanting me to pamper him and assist him with his business but he couldn’t spend his own penny on me.

In fairness to him, l never directly asked him for any favour. He knows me for that, moreover l saw him as a stingy fellow. He won’t chip in anything voluntarily not even buy me a birthday present.

He said he doesn’t give unless he is asked to give but he can take when he is given.

Funny! He expects me to demand for a birthday gift from him before he buys me one, how silly!

Anyway, I was so hard up at a point that l lamented to him, not request and all he did was to listen to my lamentation and nod his head in sympathy.

knowing l was dead broke, he still ate my food that day and drank my herbal tea without helping with a penny.

This was a very comfortable man, who took from me but couldn’t help me when l needed his help.

Believe me, l was not feeling entitled to his help but l felt kindness begets kindness.

He would brag about helping his ex girlfriend pay her tuition fee while he literally watched me bleed in pain and couldn’t buy me a plaster to seal up my wound.

You may blame me for not asking him directly for his help or looking up to him for help.

I felt as a human being and a romantic partner, he saw what l was going through and he knew l was in dire need of help. He should have at least said something kind. Not just stand by and watch me suffer when he had more than enough to help me with.

Well he doesn’t help unless he is asked to, was his rhethoric and forever excuse.

He probably wasn’t in love with me but that is not the issue here.

My point is, we should know when to assist our partners, even when they don’t ask.

Some people like me, don’t know how to make demands. So when you see your partner struggling, please help them if you can afford to since it is not an everyday thing and you know they are not with you for what they can get. Moreover they are willing to help you too when you’re in need.

Don’t wait for them to ask before you know when to give. If you don’t have, make it clear to them you know what they are going through and are willing to help if you had the opportunity to do so.

That means you’re a caring partner, who knows what to do at the appropriate time and it will also show you’re aware of their pain even though you’re not told directly.

Knowing you’re willing to help, may just be enough.

TO DIVORCE OR NOT

I was asked an incredible question this past week and it made me feel uncomfortable. A woman asked me, if she should divorce her husband or not. She said, it is hard for her to reach a decision on her own. So l should help her out.

In the first place, nobody asked her to get married. She should also not expect anyone to tell her to get a divorce.

It’s obvious she is confused and torn between ending her marriage or staying put but she can’t just walk up to me because we her friends and expect me to help her end her marriage.

I know she is looking for someone to point her in the right direction but she seems to be going about it the wrong way.

Anyway l won’t be the one to encourage her to divorce her spouse. l honestly don’t know what problem she has with her partner and she won’t give details. She only said, she is tired of him.

It’s sometimes difficult to walk out of a marriage. It takes guts to simply walk away and not look back.

Nevertheless, this is a decision nobody can take for you because only you know where the shoe pinches. Aside that, it’s your life and your problem.

So don’t put such a heavy burden on your family and friends shoulders by asking them to decide whether you should stay or end your marriage over your marital issues.

You will hate them forever if they advised you to divorce your spouse and you did but regretted it later.

I won’t advice anyone to suggest divorce for a marriage you’re not personally involved.

It is risky advising anyone to leave their spouse even though they asked for your advice as a family or as a friend. Be diplomatic with your response or point them to the direction of a skilled therapist.

Don’t be the fall guy and don’t allow empathy to overwhelm you. It’s not in anyone’s place to breakup a marriage. Truly “what God has joined together let no man put asunder”

AWAKENED LOVE

I once fell in love with someone, who woke up a torrent of love and emotions in me without the intention of truly loving me.

I wasn’t really into him at the beginning. I only saw him as someone I could relate with intellectually.

Getting close to him, I found out he was funny, neat, polished and intelligent. Absolutely my kind of man. That excited me, especially with him keeping up with my playful side.

When the window of opportunity came, he pursued me relentlessly and I gave in. Falling hopelessly in love with him.

In my mind, l thought it was a match made in heaven.

He did set my soul on fire and my love for him burnt wild.

Suddenly and without any warning, he began to drift away. All through it, he didn’t share any intimacy with me. Except a few stolen kisses and he became too busy to see me. Cranky and impatient with me.

After a while, I figured it was a game to him because he had no excuse for his actions and his disappearing act.

I truly felt like a lab experiment with the way he treated me. It was as if he was testing me, to know my reactions to his overtures and when he got his answers he started misbehaving.

Instinctively, I knew he had a sinister motive. So I broke it off, instead of accomodating his endless excuses and lies.

How cruel of him, I thought. Why would anyone relentlessly chase a man or a woman, you don’t want.

Why would you tease someone for no reason and awaken their love, when you have no intention of loving them.

How do they look at themselves in the mirror? I wondered.

Well, it is history now. Though I came out of it hurt, I also learnt a lesson.

I just hope, people who awaken others love with evil intentions, will quit doing this.

It is cruel to make someone love you and neglect them.

What you don’t want to eat, don’t taste it. Don’t even smell it.

THE BEST PLACE TO BE

I promised myself a few years back not to argue with anyone, no matter how desperate I want to prove a point.

So when a lady friend told me the best place for a woman to be, is in a beautiful marriage. I kept calm and listened to her.

Only voicing my opinion when she finished.

She said, she is honestly tired of coming in and out of relationships. She wished, she was married.

She needed stability in her romantic life and marriage is the only answer.

l wondered what gave her the impression that marriage was the only answer to her relationship issues.

I totally believe in marriage but the world does not start and end with it.

Moreover, you have to love and have confidence in yourself before you seek love from others.

No one can give you happiness or stability except yourself. Happiness and self worth comes within.

This will in turn, give you the strength to unconditionally love another and be appreciated.

Desperate as she is for a romantic stability, she will one day rush into marriage, get hurt and rush out.

l’ve done my bit as a counselor, by advising her to take a step back. I and reappraise her relationship goals.

Change her taste in men since the ones she has been dating are not working for her.

While doing that, she should stop thinking marriage is the only way to get romantic stability or the beginning and the end of life.

I also told her not to define herself by her relationship success or failure. Above all, she should find happiness and fulfillment within before attempting marriage.

SHE COMES FIRST

I had a conversation with a middle aged man, who told me his wife is a wonderful woman and no other woman comes before her. She is first he said, yet he has strings of girlfriends.

He comes home very late everyday with little or no time to spend with his so called wonderful wife.

Hardly ever available for family outings and most of his free time is spent with girlfriends in guest houses and hotel bars.

He loves his beer and his countless women, still he claims his wife comes first.

What the hoops is he talking about, I queried. His actions apparently contradicts his words.

To me, his wife obviously comes last.

No man or woman will consider their spouse first and spend most of their time with other people, unless it is work related.

They will always be happy to spend their free time with their spouse, not lock themselves up in a hotel room with girlfriends or boyfriends.

When l asked him why he has numerous girlfriends despite having a loving wife.

He said, one woman can not satisfy a him and he will always have his flings but he will not bring another woman into his matrimonial home.

He won’t ever divorce his wife nor marry a second wife.

That in his myopic mind, makes his wife to be the first.

Everything he said to me, made me to conclude is a selfish man. Who is only concerned about himself and his needs.

He has no love or respect for any woman, not even for his wonderful wife. Whom he says, is sweet and caring.

I told him, he is a chronic flirt. He is eating his cake and having it because his wife permitted him. She probably kept a blind eye to his philandering for peace sake.

I won’t agree to spend the rest of my life with such a cheat.

A man that will rather spend his time with other women and keep me only as his first lady, has no place in my life.

It is wrong to put your partner first with words and treat them last with your actions. If he or she comes first in your life, show them in words and in your actions.

NOT A VICTIM

Each time my heart is broken or someone let me down, l cry like a baby and feel like a victim of a monumental injustice.

One minute l was celebrating victory over my excessive emotions and sentiments. The next, l was crying like a baby.

I was deeply hurt yesterday, by those l call friends and those l love. 

l cried myself to sleep last night but woke up this morning, asking myself when will l take a firm grip of my emotions. When will also stop completely trusting people and stop adding sentiments to all issues”

l always consider myself a strong woman, in the face of adversity but when the chips are down, l drop like a jelly and cry my eyes out.

lt’s human to feel pain when you’re hurt but to wallow in self pity, is detrimental to one’s health.

So how long will l allow my so call oppressors to win? How long will l continue to cry and see myself as a victim each time the ball drops on my lap.

Enough! l told myself this morning but l’ve heard me say that too many times. I’m only praying now and working through the ropes to really stand firmly on “enough” and push forward.

l’ve refused to tag myself a victim and not give anyone the satisfaction of making me cry again. I am not a victim but a victor.

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO OFFER?

My niece said, she will not date a man that has nothing to offer her. She has to know what he is bringing to the table before she can agree to a relationship.

She does not want a man that will take from her and not give anything in return.

Take from her, does not mean only love and intimacy. She mentioned her time, respect, Kindness, fidelity, loyalty, including her prayers and many more.

She does not want to be the only one making all the sacrifices. He also has to be seen as been active and involved in the relationship.

I quite agree with her, not because she is my niece. She made some salient points that l found valid.

Some people are actually looking for help not a real relationship and that is their primary motive for going into a union.

They just want to take and take without giving anything in return, even the non physical things. This is not about a man or a woman, it is both.

If a man cannot offer you a gift, he should be able to offer you kindness. If he cannot be loyal to you then he should be faithful and so forth.

Something has just got to give. It is important to know your proposed partner is ready to make sacrifices and he or she is sincere about it. This will give you an idea of what to expect.

If you’re willing to pray for his wellbeing, he should also be willing to say a prayer for you. Aside that, if you give her your time, she should also do the same too. Not becoming too busy to spend her time with you.

We should not fool ourselves at the altar of love. Playing nice to a carefree partner is simply naive.

Love is give and take, it should be so for equity sake.

So what have you got to offer your partner?

A WIFE AND A MISTRESS

Many women wants to get married and settle down to a blissful union but some ladies prefer to be a mistress to a married man than a wife to a single man.

This may sound odd to you but it does happen. These women are happy and contented in just been a mistress.

They even enjoy more than a wife as some of them claim. Their needs are promptly met and they are free to do whatever they like without been stucked up with a husband that will be dictating to them or nagging them.

Sneaking around with a married man, makes the relationship intriguing and less boring, they said.

Some have sworn to remain a mistress for the rest of their lives. They are also free to have children for these married men if they desire, so they see no need to be an official wife.

They believe marriage is just a piece of paper and MRS is just a mere title.

That said! Everyone is entitled to his or her choices but I don’t think I can handle being a mistress or as others call it, a concubine. I am not good at sharing and what I don’t want others to do to me, I won’t do to them.

I don’t believe love can seriously flourish in such a relationship and I want more than just been a bedmate.

To puncture my opinion, one of the mistresses told me that many women are not happy in their marriages and some men treats their mistresses better than their wives, so I should change my opinion and keep an open mind. Hmmm! I said.

Times are really changing and people are open to different ways of lives from the usual norm.

All the same, it is still nay for me. I will rather be single than be a mistress. I don’t like to be called a concubine or a mistress. I guess that sums it all up.

LOVE AND MONEY

Love and money was a topic I discussed all through the beginning of last week. I listened to various perspective on this topic and I was able to reason out some facts.

Many I spoke with, feels that love can not function without the support of money. They compliment each other, like tea and sugar.

Some said they will not date a partner who has no job. No matter how much they love him and that does not make them a gold digger.

They only want a financially stabIe man, that will not ask them for money and will be seen as responsible. This was said by women.

Another school of thought believes that, money is needed to move a relationship forward. You cannot get married with an empty pocket and live on love.

There are bills to be paid and love can not pay those bills. Some women also believe that, love will eventually fade away if they continue to be in a marriage with a man that can not provide for them.

From what I gathered, money plays a pivotal role in solidifying a relationship built on love and every other foundation.

In my own opinion, money is necessary in a relationship but love is the bonding factor that brings two people together.

For some people, a relationship cannot be established without love and that is also my believe.

These type of people will probably not think of money at the beginning of a relationship and money will also not be a primary attraction.

Moreover, anyone that sees money as a primary reason for getting into a relationship, should not forget that people can lose their jobs and businesses.

What would you do, when that happens? Abandon your partner because he or she is broke or work with him or her to rise up again.

Everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion. To me love, is above money and it makes a relationship more interesting. Money is also a necessity but it shouldn’t be a primary focus in a relationship.

INSECURED

My friend has complained bitterly to me that his wife’s jealousy is driving him insane and he can no longer bear it.

He said, she monitors his every move. Looks through his phone and wants to know who he is texting or calling at every given time unless she is not present.

She just assumes he is having an affair while he is not. I asked if he gave her a reason to feel this way. His response was negative.

They have been married for over twenty five years and she has always been like this but he can no longer tolerate her because he feels suffocated.

At first he felt flattered and truly loved by her because of her possessiveness but it became an obsession over the years and it’s no longer attractive when you are constantly been watched and accused of what you didn’t do.

She practically wants to smell his boxers, each time he comes home. Any whimp of a strange smell of perfume will cause a huge fight between them. This is weighing him down and he is thinking of separation.

His wife is a loving woman and a wonderful mother as he said but her jealousy has dampened her good qualities.

Even their children have cautioned and reassured her like he is doing everyday, but she won’t change.

Well I think the woman has a clear case of insecurity and no reassurance by her husband can help her unless she gets help from a therapist.

It is a compulsive behaviour she cannot control and she may not be happy with her actions but she can’t help herself.

She may also be suffering from depression and severe anxiety brought on by this issue and it can be amplified by menopause which her husband says she is currently experiencing.

At this point, I implored my friend to take it easy with her and gently plead with her to seek help from a professional. Her obsessive and compulsive behaviour cannot be wished away unless there is a professional intervention.

He still loves her, he claimed and I think their marriage is worth saving if he is willing to help her.

There is always one issue or another in every marriage. No marriage is ever perfect no matter how long you have been married.