TO DIVORCE OR NOT

I was asked an incredible question this past week and it made me feel uncomfortable. A woman asked me, if she should divorce her husband or not. She said, it is hard for her to reach a decision on her own. So l should help her out.

In the first place, nobody asked her to get married. She should also not expect anyone to tell her to get a divorce.

It’s obvious she is confused and torn between ending her marriage or staying put but she can’t just walk up to me because we her friends and expect me to help her end her marriage.

I know she is looking for someone to point her in the right direction but she seems to be going about it the wrong way.

Anyway l won’t be the one to encourage her to divorce her spouse. l honestly don’t know what problem she has with her partner and she won’t give details. She only said, she is tired of him.

It’s sometimes difficult to walk out of a marriage. It takes guts to simply walk away and not look back.

Nevertheless, this is a decision nobody can take for you because only you know where the shoe pinches. Aside that, it’s your life and your problem.

So don’t put such a heavy burden on your family and friends shoulders by asking them to decide whether you should stay or end your marriage over your marital issues.

You will hate them forever if they advised you to divorce your spouse and you did but regretted it later.

I won’t advice anyone to suggest divorce for a marriage you’re not personally involved.

It is risky advising anyone to leave their spouse even though they asked for your advice as a family or as a friend. Be diplomatic with your response or point them to the direction of a skilled therapist.

Don’t be the fall guy and don’t allow empathy to overwhelm you. It’s not in anyone’s place to breakup a marriage. Truly “what God has joined together let no man put asunder”

LOST AND FOUND

A young father of two, left home for work one morning and he didn’t return home as usual after the day’s work.

His phone was switched off and all attempt to reach him was futile.

After a frantic search for a month, he was presumed dead by his family. Only his wife thought he was still alive because his body was not found.

Well the father of two, eventually resurfaced after eight months when he ran out of money.

He reached out to a close friend for financial assistant and confessed to him that he was tired of his marriage and he didn’t want any family drama. So he pulled the disappearing act to get his wife, off his back.

Angry with his friend disappearing stunt, he told everyone involved and that was how they all knew he delibrately ran away from home.

Why do that, I commented when l was told. Why put your family and friends in agony? Why not just ask for a divorce and work things out amicably or go tough to reach a divorce settlement. That is still better than running away.

Only a coward or a mean spirited fellow will do that. Without thinking of his parents, kids and friends he ran away without a trace leaving them to grieve for his death when he is alive.

As a friend, I will probably not have anything to do with such a person again. Even as a family, trust will forever be thrown out of the window.

Not matter how difficult things may be, face your challenges instead of running away. The problem we are running away from, will be there waiting for us when we come back.

It’s like drowning yourself in alcohol to forget your problem. When the effect of the drink disappears, the problem will still be staring at you in the face wearing suit and tie.

Let’s not continue to sweep our problems under the carpet, hoping it will go away. Challenges don’t have wings, they can’t fly away. Stay and resolve it or learn to live with it, if it can’t be resolved. At least you know you tried your best.

THE BEST PLACE TO BE

I promised myself a few years back not to argue with anyone, no matter how desperate I want to prove a point.

So when a lady friend told me the best place for a woman to be, is in a beautiful marriage. I kept calm and listened to her.

Only voicing my opinion when she finished.

She said, she is honestly tired of coming in and out of relationships. She wished, she was married.

She needed stability in her romantic life and marriage is the only answer.

l wondered what gave her the impression that marriage was the only answer to her relationship issues.

I totally believe in marriage but the world does not start and end with it.

Moreover, you have to love and have confidence in yourself before you seek love from others.

No one can give you happiness or stability except yourself. Happiness and self worth comes within.

This will in turn, give you the strength to unconditionally love another and be appreciated.

Desperate as she is for a romantic stability, she will one day rush into marriage, get hurt and rush out.

l’ve done my bit as a counselor, by advising her to take a step back. I and reappraise her relationship goals.

Change her taste in men since the ones she has been dating are not working for her.

While doing that, she should stop thinking marriage is the only way to get romantic stability or the beginning and the end of life.

I also told her not to define herself by her relationship success or failure. Above all, she should find happiness and fulfillment within before attempting marriage.

A WIFE AND A MISTRESS

Many women wants to get married and settle down to a blissful union but some ladies prefer to be a mistress to a married man than a wife to a single man.

This may sound odd to you but it does happen. These women are happy and contented in just been a mistress.

They even enjoy more than a wife as some of them claim. Their needs are promptly met and they are free to do whatever they like without been stucked up with a husband that will be dictating to them or nagging them.

Sneaking around with a married man, makes the relationship intriguing and less boring, they said.

Some have sworn to remain a mistress for the rest of their lives. They are also free to have children for these married men if they desire, so they see no need to be an official wife.

They believe marriage is just a piece of paper and MRS is just a mere title.

That said! Everyone is entitled to his or her choices but I don’t think I can handle being a mistress or as others call it, a concubine. I am not good at sharing and what I don’t want others to do to me, I won’t do to them.

I don’t believe love can seriously flourish in such a relationship and I want more than just been a bedmate.

To puncture my opinion, one of the mistresses told me that many women are not happy in their marriages and some men treats their mistresses better than their wives, so I should change my opinion and keep an open mind. Hmmm! I said.

Times are really changing and people are open to different ways of lives from the usual norm.

All the same, it is still nay for me. I will rather be single than be a mistress. I don’t like to be called a concubine or a mistress. I guess that sums it all up.

INSECURED

My friend has complained bitterly to me that his wife’s jealousy is driving him insane and he can no longer bear it.

He said, she monitors his every move. Looks through his phone and wants to know who he is texting or calling at every given time unless she is not present.

She just assumes he is having an affair while he is not. I asked if he gave her a reason to feel this way. His response was negative.

They have been married for over twenty five years and she has always been like this but he can no longer tolerate her because he feels suffocated.

At first he felt flattered and truly loved by her because of her possessiveness but it became an obsession over the years and it’s no longer attractive when you are constantly been watched and accused of what you didn’t do.

She practically wants to smell his boxers, each time he comes home. Any whimp of a strange smell of perfume will cause a huge fight between them. This is weighing him down and he is thinking of separation.

His wife is a loving woman and a wonderful mother as he said but her jealousy has dampened her good qualities.

Even their children have cautioned and reassured her like he is doing everyday, but she won’t change.

Well I think the woman has a clear case of insecurity and no reassurance by her husband can help her unless she gets help from a therapist.

It is a compulsive behaviour she cannot control and she may not be happy with her actions but she can’t help herself.

She may also be suffering from depression and severe anxiety brought on by this issue and it can be amplified by menopause which her husband says she is currently experiencing.

At this point, I implored my friend to take it easy with her and gently plead with her to seek help from a professional. Her obsessive and compulsive behaviour cannot be wished away unless there is a professional intervention.

He still loves her, he claimed and I think their marriage is worth saving if he is willing to help her.

There is always one issue or another in every marriage. No marriage is ever perfect no matter how long you have been married.

A LOVELESS MARRIAGE

There are many couples who are no longer in love with each other but they remain married and still live under the same roof.

One may be in love while the other may not be but they live together anyway, sometimes not caring about each other’s well being.

A friend once told me that, “if you have lived with someone for so many years, it is not easy to walk away from him or her even though you’re no longer in love with the person.

She is right but some couple stay together out of mutual respect for each other even when love is absent and they are civil about it.

I’ve seen people stay in loveless marriages, for financial reasons. Religion is another factor that can keep a couple together with no feelings for each other.

The fear of the unseen future is also a major reason for staying in a loveless union.

Well it is tough for me to be in a loveless marriage, especially now that I’m aware and pragmatic about my relationship needs.

I’ve always said it, I won’t be with someone I have no feelings for, regardless of what he is bringing to the table. It doesn’t matter if he is the president of a country, real affection has to be involved.

I will rather reboot my love for my partner if I fall out of love with him instead of managing the relationship without any feelings for him.

It is a must for me to have a genuine affection for my partner before I can allow him to touch me. No affection, no intimacy.

There is really no fulfilment for me in a loveless marriage, because I will eventually resent my partner if I no longer feel anything for him and I’m forced to stay with him out of pity.

My heart doesn’t have to continue to somersault for him after many years of marriage but I need to feel some good vibes to be with my partner till death do us part.

PROPOSAL

I was recently called an old school because I said I won’t ever propose to a man. I am aware ladies are proposing to men these days and I’m not against it, but I won’t.

Many of my readers might think I’m rigid but this is not about rigidity or being an old school. I have in the past expressed my affection to a man I had a huge crush on and his actions rattled me.

He even accused me of guilt tripping just to put me off but the only thing I was guilty of, was overwhelming him with love messages.

I felt he didn’t really understand the true meaning of guilt tripping, that was why he flippantly accused me of it.

I do intend writing on guilt tripping someday soon, to shed more light on it’s real meaning.

My lack of enthusiasm in proposing to a man is not because my crush rejected my love advances, but his actions gave me an insight to what some men think of women that chase them.

It also helped me (in addition to my other life experiences)to form this decision of not proposing to a man.

I believe men don’t like to be chased by women. They enjoy the thrill of chasing a woman and succeeding. It’s the hunt and kill, a man likes.

If a woman chase a man or proposes to him, some men are quick to think she is too forward. Some are so myopic to the point of thinking it’s not normal.

Very few men are truly open to been proposed to. That is why I’ve always played it safe and allow the man to make the first move.

I cannot be second guessing my partner to know if he is the type that is open to a woman’s proposal or not.

Anyway it doesn’t’t really matter who proposes first. It’s just not my style.

Thoughts on this topic, will be appreciated.

NEAR BUT FAR

Do you know you can be in a relationship and still feel lonely?

When your partner is not connecting with you on so many levels and you have this feeling of emptiness, then you’re in a near but far relationship.

Such partner are physically near but emotionally disconnected and distance. You can feel their physical presences in your life but their actions and attitude towards you, makes you feel lonely.

A near but far partner, always think she is doing her best to make you happy while the opposite is the case. To them, you’re being too hard to please.

A partner that likes to do everything on his own without involving or informing his spouse, is near but far. They keep secrets, while you are open to him or her.

They feel more superior especially when they are successful and powerful. Some have nothing, only ego yet they feel more superior. They also like to subdue their partner and they are equally controlling.

Their manner of approach may be business like because they don’t want to give you an opportunity to argue with them and they feel, they are always right.

When you argue with a partner that is near but far or try to get your point across to him, he will say you’re not being submissive.

Some see you as a possession not a partner. Others may not necessarily have a negative attittude but they just don’t know, how to relate with you. This brings up continuous disagreement, leaving you disconnected.

Once there is no togetherness in your relationship and you find yourself or your partner leading an individual life with no emotional connection, please know you’re in a near but far relationship.

I don’t like to struggle for my partner’s affection so a near but far relationship is not for me.

It is either my body and soul including my partner’s are involved or I opt out. I will gladly Iook for someone else that is more than willing to stay emotionally connected to me than settle for less because staying in a near but far relationship can make one miserable and sad.

As I’ve said in my last post, it is good to share our lives with a partner but we should be with people that shows they genuinely want and value us.

There is no point in getting involved or staying involved with someone that makes you feel alone and unloved.

A near but far relationship is the same thing as being alone.

THE MARRIAGE ENDED BEFORE IT BEGAN

I was getting ready yesterday morning, to attend the wedding ceremony of my neighbour’s younger brother and running late for the Church service, when my neighbour came up to my apartment to announce that the wedding has been cancelled.

She told me, the bride was caught in a compromising situation with another man.

In details, the groom had visited his fiancee a day to the wedding. To collect the ring bearer’s suit, who was his nephew. The suit was earlier returned for amendment. He left the bride’s house earlier that day to enable her get her hair done.

Half way to his house, he realised he had forgotten to collect the ring bearer’s suit which was his primary reason for visiting her. Without calling, he headed back to her house.

He got there and found out she had gone to fix her hair as planned. After waiting longer than he anticipated, he went in search of her at the salon. He was told, she had long gone to see a friend called Cynthia. Thinking she was helping her client, the hairstylist innocently pointed the groom to cynthia’s house. Cynthia and the bride are both regular clients of the salon.

Knocking on Cynthia’s door, an older guy appeared and the bride was discovered half naked in the house. The bride was actually dating Cynthia’s elder brother.

After the initial shock, the groom left without saying a word, switched off his phone and didn’t contact anyone until the next day. Nobody knew he wasn’t going to attend his wedding until the D day.

The church was packed full the next morning with the officiating priest, family and some invited guest. Who were waiting for the groom to show up. It was after he called to cancelled the ceremony, that the bride realised the groom was not going to save face. She knew what she did was wrong and didn’t tell anyone what happened the night before. She was also too afraid to go after the groom that night. So she braved it, came to the Church, pretended all was well until the groom called.

My neighbour was very angry with her brother. He should have showed up for the wedding and saved face, she said. The bride was probably having a last fling and her brother could have easily look the other way and forgiven her instead of making a mountain out of a molehill. They would have all been saved the embarrassment.

If it was the other way round, the bride would have surely forgiven him and attended the wedding anyway. Many women would have gone ahead with the wedding, she said. Yes other people may have gone ahead with the wedding but her brother couldn’t, I said.

I told my neighbour, that wasn’t a molehill. She shouldn’t condone what the bride did and not take sides with her. Heaping the entire blame on her brother wasn’t reasonable either. It must have taken a lot for him to have walked away instead of attending his wedding and avoiding the embarrassment. Moreover what the bride did, was too painful for him to bear.

How do you think such a marriage would have eventually played out? Starting out with so much distrust and pain. To me, he took the best decision by walking away.

What would you have done? Attend the wedding and save face or simply walk away.

INFIDELITY AND FORGIVENESS

I find it hard to completely forgive a cheating partner even when I am in love with him because I feel betrayed by him but some people are so strong. They look past their partner’s infidelity and totally forgive them.

A childhood friend of mine, had an affair while married. She got pregnant by the man she was cheating with and didn’t declare to her husband that the pregnancy wasn’t his, until she had the baby.

When her husband found out, he was angry but he eventually forgave her and looked the other way because he still loves her. Though he blamed himself for not giving her enough attention which led her to cheat. To me, she had no reason to cheat, attention or not. There are other means of dealing with marital issues without cheating. Anyway, her husband took the child in and raised her as his own.

“All is forgiven” he said and they are still together to this day.

How about the woman that got infected with HIV/ AIDS by her husband. After many years of marriage, her husband had an affair with a younger woman, got infected with the virus without knowing.

Years later, he came down with multiple infections. Got so sick and was tested. That was when he knew he was infected with the virus. His wife had to get tested too. She came back positive and was devastated but she didn’t hold it against him. Her husband infection was eventually traced back to the lady he earlier had the affair with. Funny! She went on with her marriage, nursed her husband each time he was sick and they still got on well.

Her immunity was apparently stronger and she was coping better than her husband. When she was asked, why she carried on with her marriage as if nothing major had happened. She said, she had forgiven her husband’s infidelity and every other thing that came with it, long before he came down with the virus and there was nothing else she was willing to do about it.

These are the kind of people I call strong, tough and determined. Very few people can tolerate such magnitude of betrayal. I will probably not talk to a man like that, for the rest of my life and won’t nurse him when he is sick.

It is one thing for a married person to erroneously get infected with the virus but it is bad enough to get it through infidelity and go ahead to infect your partner. I will definitely blow a gasket, if it was me. Forgiveness will be the last thing on my mind, infact my pain and anger will be palpable.

Reflecting back on this woman’s action and magnanimity, I find myself deeply humbled. I learnt from her story and she has made me to see forgiveness in a different light.

She forgave her husband’s infidelity with everything that came with it and she proved her undying love to him even after been betrayed. Nursing him, when she should be mad at him. Same goes for the man that forgave his wife despite her cheating and he accepted a child, that was fathered by another man. They both believe in total forgiveness without looking back. This is food for thought and a thing to reflect on but would you ever forgive such a betrayal?