WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO OFFER?

My niece said, she will not date a man that has nothing to offer her. She has to know what he is bringing to the table before she can agree to a relationship.

She does not want a man that will take from her and not give anything in return.

Take from her, does not mean only love and intimacy. She mentioned her time, respect, Kindness, fidelity, loyalty, including her prayers and many more.

She does not want to be the only one making all the sacrifices. He also has to be seen as been active and involved in the relationship.

I quite agree with her, not because she is my niece. She made some salient points that l found valid.

Some people are actually looking for help not a real relationship and that is their primary motive for going into a union.

They just want to take and take without giving anything in return, even the non physical things. This is not about a man or a woman, it is both.

If a man cannot offer you a gift, he should be able to offer you kindness. If he cannot be loyal to you then he should be faithful and so forth.

Something has just got to give. It is important to know your proposed partner is ready to make sacrifices and he or she is sincere about it. This will give you an idea of what to expect.

If you’re willing to pray for his wellbeing, he should also be willing to say a prayer for you. Aside that, if you give her your time, she should also do the same too. Not becoming too busy to spend her time with you.

We should not fool ourselves at the altar of love. Playing nice to a carefree partner is simply naive.

Love is give and take, it should be so for equity sake.

So what have you got to offer your partner?

A LOVELESS MARRIAGE

There are many couples who are no longer in love with each other but they remain married and still live under the same roof.

One may be in love while the other may not be but they live together anyway, sometimes not caring about each other’s well being.

A friend once told me that, “if you have lived with someone for so many years, it is not easy to walk away from him or her even though you’re no longer in love with the person.

She is right but some couple stay together out of mutual respect for each other even when love is absent and they are civil about it.

I’ve seen people stay in loveless marriages, for financial reasons. Religion is another factor that can keep a couple together with no feelings for each other.

The fear of the unseen future is also a major reason for staying in a loveless union.

Well it is tough for me to be in a loveless marriage, especially now that I’m aware and pragmatic about my relationship needs.

I’ve always said it, I won’t be with someone I have no feelings for, regardless of what he is bringing to the table. It doesn’t matter if he is the president of a country, real affection has to be involved.

I will rather reboot my love for my partner if I fall out of love with him instead of managing the relationship without any feelings for him.

It is a must for me to have a genuine affection for my partner before I can allow him to touch me. No affection, no intimacy.

There is really no fulfilment for me in a loveless marriage, because I will eventually resent my partner if I no longer feel anything for him and I’m forced to stay with him out of pity.

My heart doesn’t have to continue to somersault for him after many years of marriage but I need to feel some good vibes to be with my partner till death do us part.

KNOWING WHAT YOU WANT

I like it when a man tells me exactly what he wants from me or what he is expecting from our relationship.

It makes life and the relationship a lot easier to manage and you wouldn’t have to waste precious time on a partner that is not meeting your needs and desires.

I didn’t start out knowing what I wanted from my romantic relationship. Mine was to fall in love and just go with the flow.

Apparently, that didn’t work out for me because I was floating in an empty relationship that didn’t fulfill my heart desires.

Years down the line with maturity, I seriously know what I want from my man and I won’t probably settle for too less.

My fruit should not fall far from it’s tree. That is how, I view my choices now.

There are men and women who are very honest from the beginning. They lay their cards bare on the table and are prepared to walk away instead of compromising their integrity.

Some men who knows what they want and are not afraid to ask for it, will tell you they are just looking to have fun with you, no marriage, no babies. That is fair and honest enough.

If you want the same thing with this person, go for it otherwise look for someone else who wants what you want. Who is ready to take full responsibility when it happens.

Some women will agree to this arrangement and still get pregnant with the hope that the man will change his mind and marry them.

When that does not happen, they cry foul.

If a person has told you, what he or she wants from you from the beginning and you agree to it. You don’t need to pull a fast one or be disappointed with the outcome of the relationship if you derailed.

I can never put myself in a baby mama situation, unless I’m willing to solely take care of that child.

That is why we have to set a relationship standard for ourselves from the beginning and not jump into any relationship.

I’ve learnt my life lessons the hard way and it’s painful to be in an unsatisfying relationship. You will just be drifting through life until something gives.

This is your life and you get to live it once, no season two. It is not worth wasting time in a relationship that only makes you uncomfortable.

Be with someone that will treat you right or walk away, if he or she is not right for you before you invest too much of your time in the relationship.

A partner that can meet 65% of my relationship needs is a pass mark to me.

To avoid confusion and disappointment in your romantic life. Identify what your relationship needs are, the kind of partner you wish to be with and stick with it. That doesn’t mean you’re not flexible, you’re only been cautious.

You will be a lot happier if you’re with the kind of partner your heart desire, instead of trying to change or hoping someone will change to the type of partner you want.

Don’t sell yourself short or you will look back in regret.

MOCKING YOUR PARTNER

How many of us pay attention to what we say to hurt our partners? Some of us blurt out words that we can never take back and this can cause resentment between you and your partner.

It is very painful when we mock our partner with their secret and their shortcomings. I consider it a betrayal.

It is truly a betrayal because your partner should be the closest person to you. Your confidant, someone you run to when the whole world is against you. So when he becomes the mockery master, it drives a dagger through my heart.

You don’t bluntly tell your partner she is fat, even though she is. You have to be diplomatic in saying it even though she wants to know. Otherwise it may sound as if you’re mocking her.

You should also know that, it is very low to hit back at your partner with what they share with you in private moments.

Mentioning how your partner moan and groan in bed while making love is embarrassing to me, especially when you joke about it in a mocking way.

If you want to talk about your partner’s snoring habit, don’t rub it in or dwell on it for too long. Avoid been dramatic about sensitive issues.

When you’re having a misunderstandings with your spouse, please don’t refer to or insult them with what they told you in confidence. That is the lowest anyone can go with me.

I can even tolerate be told I’m fat and ugly but don’t insult me with what I shared with you in secret.

It is not as if I cannot handle a joke or criticism but some issues are too sensitive to joke about because it may sound humiliating.

For example, if your partner told you he embezzled money in the past and has repented but you think the best way to hit back at him when he hurts you, is to call him a thief. Then you’re breeding resentment.

Don’t drop words like, “once a thief, always a thief”. Just to batter his ego.

If you do that to me, I will never confide in you again and that will thin out my trust in you..

I am not saying you should tip toe around your partner or be uptight. Just be considerate of their feelings and don’t throw caution to the wind because they are tolerating your excesses too.

In summary, if your partner can not measure up to your standard, instead of mocking them with it, take them for who they are. Be subtle with your demand for change or let them go.

It is better to always treat others the way we want to be treated.

AN ULTIMATUM

If you cannot match your words with action, please don’t give your partner an ultimatum. You will only make him or her dismiss your words and take you more for granted.

I’ve seen men and women threaten to walk out of their relationship for being taken for granted but they end up eating their words and ignored by their partner.

Some partner may change for the better if they feel their relationship is truly threatened by the ultimatum.
Others can be lackadaisical about it, hoping their partner will not go through with the threat.

While some partners will stand their ground and wait for you, to do your worse. Especially when they are not sober or are being accused wrongly.

Don’t just throw out words, to scare or intimidate your partner if you’re not ready or strong enough to see it to a logical conclusion. It will only make you look unserious and more open to abuse.

If you give your partner an ultimatum for cheating on you, to either stop or risk the chance of losing you. Put your words into action and don’t back down until you’re taken serious.

You must also confirm your partner is guilty of your accusation before you reel out threat or it might backfire on you, if you’re wrong.

Moreover don’t make it a way of life or a regular thing because your partner will see it as a joke.

I implore you, not to use it as a cheap blackmail because you know your partner loves you and will do your bidding. That to me, is manipulative.

Using an ultimatum as a tool for blackmail and revenge in the bedroom is tasteless, so don’t play a tit for tat game with your partner.

People don’t like to be threatened, only give an ultimatum when it is absolutely necessary and when you have exhausted other means. It will carry more weight when it is seldomly used.

Above all, say it only when you mean it and do unto others as you want others to do unto you.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT

Why do some people think love at first sight is always a mere infatuation or lust?

For some people, it may be based on infatuation but it can also be real and genuine for others. I don’t think we should assume that, everyone that falls instantly in love with us is telling a lie or only infatuated.

I believe you can meet someone for the first time and fall in love with him or her for real. Love is a natural feeling and it is not something we can control.

Those who think love at first sight is always based on infatuation and lust, believe you have to know someone very well or get close to them before you can truly love them. They also believe any instant claim of love is outrageous, shallow and deceitful.

My point is this, love and affection can develop without warning. You can suddenly be drawn to a person and instantly fall in love with this person. It is very possible and I’ve seen it happen.

There is no mathematics or geography in love. One plus one may not necessarily be two when it comes to love, depending on the angle you’re looking at it.

From my own angle, love deals with feelings and emotions. You can not predict your feelings or how you will react, unless you encounter a situation.

Moreover we don’t get to chose who we love. It is determined by nature and the circumstances we find ourselves.

While playing it safe and weary of instant love, just sift out the truth from the lies and give the person that claims to love you a chance.

As in every other thing in life, there are no guarantees even in deep rooted relationships but I believe in love at first sight.

SINGLE FOR A REASON

Valentine’s day has come and gone, yet some people have remained single. Many don’t mind their single status, while others does but they all have reasons for staying single.

Some people find it hard to love and trust again, when their hearts has been broken. They shut down and close up their hearts. Not wanting to take any risk or get involved with someone else.

Others are yet to find a compatible partner and have remained single for this reason.

Some few friends have also told me that, they are too busy for any romantic relationship or marriage. They like being single and only want to satisfy their sexual needs.

With the above highlighted reasons for being single, I still believe in getting involved. A relationship is a beautiful place to be. Finding someone to love and care for, is simply awesome.

I am not emphasising on marriage but at least have a companion, have someone in your life that will keep you company. You can take it to the next level if you wish.

Love and relationship is therapeutic for whoever find a good and considerate soul to love. I will rather be in love than be alone.

Loneliness is not a good thing both mentally and physically. The warmth and companionship of a genuine partner, can lift your spirit and cheer you up.

Life is ever challenging and walking through it alone, is tough. Why not get a compatible partner to walk through life with you and make life a little less difficult.

I know you’re single for a reason but you have the power to change your status. You can’t say because your heart was broken you will never love again.

Would you say, you will not drive again because you had a vehicular accident? You will only be careful the next time you handle a vehicle. Same with falling in love.

I know there is no perfect human being but you can find someone that can treat you right. There is always a partner for everyone of us. All we need to do, is to open up ourselves to the right person.

Love begins with you.

CONFUSING SEX FOR LOVE

Many people confuse sex for love. They believe if the sex is good, they are definitely in love.

Well you have to have more than sex going on, in your relationship before you can conclude you’re in love.

Love and sex are feelings we express towards a person we are attracted to.

Sex can be a purely physical feeling with or without emotions.

While love is a total package, a combination of emotions, warmth, kindness, affection, physical attraction, patience and passion.

Don’t be too sure your partner is in love with you because he or she can’t keep their hands off you. Hands on, can be triggered by love or physical interest.

It is for you to read between the lines and know how you feel and your partner’s attitude towards you.

You have to be able to differentiate between being in love or just having a mere sexual interest in a person.

When you’re in a true loving relationship, sex is always an icing on the cake.

Sex butters a sweet passionate relationship and add pleasure to what love has built, so don’t confuse sex with love.

Remember people have sex without having any relationship with their partners, others are friends with benefits, while some pay for sex.

Although a relationship can start with sex and lead to love. All the same, having a purely sexual relationship with a person doesn’t mean you’re in love with him or her.

No matter how hot the sex is, don’t confuse love for sex so that you will not be disappointed.

EQUAL PARTNERSHIP

Every relationship is a partnership because it involves two people who have a common goal and agree to unite in love, to enable them live happily ever after.

There are people who doesn’t believe in equal partnership, they believe they are the superior partner in their relationships. Some even believe they are god and their partners are their slaves.

Why should you see the person you love as a lesser being and why would anyone agree to be seen as such, all in the name of love.

Some people accept to be treated like a slave in their relationship because they are helplessly in love, for money, for sex and for fear of being alone. Don’t make yourself worthless because it is not good for your psyche. No one deserves to be treated in a demeaning way. Respect your partner and demand same in return.

Treat your partner as your friend, lover and your equal and your relationship will flourish. Don’t let your ego grow out of proportion and don’t let money control you.

If your partner feels entitled to be treated like a king or queen but treats you otherwise, that relationship is not equal. Don’t waste your time on a partner who doesn’t reciprocate your affection. Above all, do unto your partner as you want him or her to do unto you.

JOINT ACCOUNT

I personally have no issues with couples having a joint account but I’ve noticed it brings more trouble than it solves.

Money is a very delicate issue. No matter the relationship between two people, money can cause problems between them if not properly handled.

Couples have different reasons for having a joint account. Some because they share a common goal or saving towards a joint holiday.

Others, save to pay mortgages, school fees or for retirement. I think having a joint account is not a bad idea between a loving couple but some don’t see it that way.

A friend ones told me that, it’s no longer fashionable for couples to have a joint account especially with partners being suspicious of each other, infidelity, lack of trust and the rate of divorce.

Some don’t want to hear of it, they prefer to have total control of their resources and I blame no one for this.

Others that agree to a joint account still keep a personal account for back up, which may sometimes be done discreetly.

Well I believe, having a joint account is laudable in a strong and solid marriage. It can make both partners accountable for their spending and bring them closer.

My only advice, is for you to know your partner’s attitude to money.

Know who you are married to before you agree to a joint account. If you’re married to a control freak or an abusive partner, please think twice before you agree to a joint account.

In case you agree to it, you can also have your own individual account to protect your interest.

In summary, if having a joint account will hurt you or your marriage, please avoid it otherwise go for it.