SHE COMES FIRST

I had a conversation with a middle aged man, who told me his wife is a wonderful woman and no other woman comes before her. She is first he said, yet he has strings of girlfriends.

He comes home very late everyday with little or no time to spend with his so called wonderful wife.

Hardly ever available for family outings and most of his free time is spent with girlfriends in guest houses and hotel bars.

He loves his beer and his countless women, still he claims his wife comes first.

What the hoops is he talking about, I queried. His actions apparently contradicts his words.

To me, his wife obviously comes last.

No man or woman will consider their spouse first and spend most of their time with other people, unless it is work related.

They will always be happy to spend their free time with their spouse, not lock themselves up in a hotel room with girlfriends or boyfriends.

When l asked him why he has numerous girlfriends despite having a loving wife.

He said, one woman can not satisfy a him and he will always have his flings but he will not bring another woman into his matrimonial home.

He won’t ever divorce his wife nor marry a second wife.

That in his myopic mind, makes his wife to be the first.

Everything he said to me, made me to conclude is a selfish man. Who is only concerned about himself and his needs.

He has no love or respect for any woman, not even for his wonderful wife. Whom he says, is sweet and caring.

I told him, he is a chronic flirt. He is eating his cake and having it because his wife permitted him. She probably kept a blind eye to his philandering for peace sake.

I won’t agree to spend the rest of my life with such a cheat.

A man that will rather spend his time with other women and keep me only as his first lady, has no place in my life.

It is wrong to put your partner first with words and treat them last with your actions. If he or she comes first in your life, show them in words and in your actions.

A WIFE AND A MISTRESS

Many women wants to get married and settle down to a blissful union but some ladies prefer to be a mistress to a married man than a wife to a single man.

This may sound odd to you but it does happen. These women are happy and contented in just been a mistress.

They even enjoy more than a wife as some of them claim. Their needs are promptly met and they are free to do whatever they like without been stucked up with a husband that will be dictating to them or nagging them.

Sneaking around with a married man, makes the relationship intriguing and less boring, they said.

Some have sworn to remain a mistress for the rest of their lives. They are also free to have children for these married men if they desire, so they see no need to be an official wife.

They believe marriage is just a piece of paper and MRS is just a mere title.

That said! Everyone is entitled to his or her choices but I don’t think I can handle being a mistress or as others call it, a concubine. I am not good at sharing and what I don’t want others to do to me, I won’t do to them.

I don’t believe love can seriously flourish in such a relationship and I want more than just been a bedmate.

To puncture my opinion, one of the mistresses told me that many women are not happy in their marriages and some men treats their mistresses better than their wives, so I should change my opinion and keep an open mind. Hmmm! I said.

Times are really changing and people are open to different ways of lives from the usual norm.

All the same, it is still nay for me. I will rather be single than be a mistress. I don’t like to be called a concubine or a mistress. I guess that sums it all up.

FIGHTING OVER A CHEATING PARTNER

Is it worth fighting over your partner, if you catch him or her cheating on you?

I’ve seen many women and men, especially women fight with other ladies over their partner. Even married people fight over their spouse.

I won’t fight over any man with another woman, in fact I have no business with the woman my partner is cheating with. So why should I stoop so low to publicly humiliate myself over love.

Why give another human being such power over you?

When I was much younger, if I met a lady or a lady comes in to meet me in my partner’s house, I simply observe my partner’s attitude towards me and the other lady.

If he paid more attention to me, I stayed and watch as the drama unfolds. If he paid more attention to her or he tries to appear neutral as if he has no relationship going with me, I leave immediately.

No comment, no argument, just goodbye see you later. If he still wants me, he will come back begging and my self esteem will still be intact.

I see ladies tear each other’s clothes to shreds over a man. The man will sometimes stand aloof and allow them to dig at each other. Some who feel concerned, will try and separate the two fighting ladies.

When a woman is caught cheating and it comes down to fisticuffs between her partners, the cheating woman usually support the man she likes more among the two.

I call it a dirty fight. It is not in anyone’s interest to lose your dignity or a limb over love. If you catch your man or your woman cheating on you, walk away and let them come begging if they still want you.

It will now be up to you, to either forgive him or end the relationship if you’re no longer interested.

If you must get angry, direct your anger at your partner, not the person he or she is cheating with it and don’t be violent.

There is plenty fish in the ocean, don’t ridicule yourself over someone who may not even appreciate your love.

If it hurts to see your partner with someone else, don’t fight. It will eventually get better if you can persevere.

THE MARRIAGE ENDED BEFORE IT BEGAN

I was getting ready yesterday morning, to attend the wedding ceremony of my neighbour’s younger brother and running late for the Church service, when my neighbour came up to my apartment to announce that the wedding has been cancelled.

She told me, the bride was caught in a compromising situation with another man.

In details, the groom had visited his fiancee a day to the wedding. To collect the ring bearer’s suit, who was his nephew. The suit was earlier returned for amendment. He left the bride’s house earlier that day to enable her get her hair done.

Half way to his house, he realised he had forgotten to collect the ring bearer’s suit which was his primary reason for visiting her. Without calling, he headed back to her house.

He got there and found out she had gone to fix her hair as planned. After waiting longer than he anticipated, he went in search of her at the salon. He was told, she had long gone to see a friend called Cynthia. Thinking she was helping her client, the hairstylist innocently pointed the groom to cynthia’s house. Cynthia and the bride are both regular clients of the salon.

Knocking on Cynthia’s door, an older guy appeared and the bride was discovered half naked in the house. The bride was actually dating Cynthia’s elder brother.

After the initial shock, the groom left without saying a word, switched off his phone and didn’t contact anyone until the next day. Nobody knew he wasn’t going to attend his wedding until the D day.

The church was packed full the next morning with the officiating priest, family and some invited guest. Who were waiting for the groom to show up. It was after he called to cancelled the ceremony, that the bride realised the groom was not going to save face. She knew what she did was wrong and didn’t tell anyone what happened the night before. She was also too afraid to go after the groom that night. So she braved it, came to the Church, pretended all was well until the groom called.

My neighbour was very angry with her brother. He should have showed up for the wedding and saved face, she said. The bride was probably having a last fling and her brother could have easily look the other way and forgiven her instead of making a mountain out of a molehill. They would have all been saved the embarrassment.

If it was the other way round, the bride would have surely forgiven him and attended the wedding anyway. Many women would have gone ahead with the wedding, she said. Yes other people may have gone ahead with the wedding but her brother couldn’t, I said.

I told my neighbour, that wasn’t a molehill. She shouldn’t condone what the bride did and not take sides with her. Heaping the entire blame on her brother wasn’t reasonable either. It must have taken a lot for him to have walked away instead of attending his wedding and avoiding the embarrassment. Moreover what the bride did, was too painful for him to bear.

How do you think such a marriage would have eventually played out? Starting out with so much distrust and pain. To me, he took the best decision by walking away.

What would you have done? Attend the wedding and save face or simply walk away.

INFIDELITY AND FORGIVENESS

I find it hard to completely forgive a cheating partner even when I am in love with him because I feel betrayed by him but some people are so strong. They look past their partner’s infidelity and totally forgive them.

A childhood friend of mine, had an affair while married. She got pregnant by the man she was cheating with and didn’t declare to her husband that the pregnancy wasn’t his, until she had the baby.

When her husband found out, he was angry but he eventually forgave her and looked the other way because he still loves her. Though he blamed himself for not giving her enough attention which led her to cheat. To me, she had no reason to cheat, attention or not. There are other means of dealing with marital issues without cheating. Anyway, her husband took the child in and raised her as his own.

“All is forgiven” he said and they are still together to this day.

How about the woman that got infected with HIV/ AIDS by her husband. After many years of marriage, her husband had an affair with a younger woman, got infected with the virus without knowing.

Years later, he came down with multiple infections. Got so sick and was tested. That was when he knew he was infected with the virus. His wife had to get tested too. She came back positive and was devastated but she didn’t hold it against him. Her husband infection was eventually traced back to the lady he earlier had the affair with. Funny! She went on with her marriage, nursed her husband each time he was sick and they still got on well.

Her immunity was apparently stronger and she was coping better than her husband. When she was asked, why she carried on with her marriage as if nothing major had happened. She said, she had forgiven her husband’s infidelity and every other thing that came with it, long before he came down with the virus and there was nothing else she was willing to do about it.

These are the kind of people I call strong, tough and determined. Very few people can tolerate such magnitude of betrayal. I will probably not talk to a man like that, for the rest of my life and won’t nurse him when he is sick.

It is one thing for a married person to erroneously get infected with the virus but it is bad enough to get it through infidelity and go ahead to infect your partner. I will definitely blow a gasket, if it was me. Forgiveness will be the last thing on my mind, infact my pain and anger will be palpable.

Reflecting back on this woman’s action and magnanimity, I find myself deeply humbled. I learnt from her story and she has made me to see forgiveness in a different light.

She forgave her husband’s infidelity with everything that came with it and she proved her undying love to him even after been betrayed. Nursing him, when she should be mad at him. Same goes for the man that forgave his wife despite her cheating and he accepted a child, that was fathered by another man. They both believe in total forgiveness without looking back. This is food for thought and a thing to reflect on but would you ever forgive such a betrayal?

WOULD YOU TELL?

Would you tell your friend or a relative if you catch their partner cheating on them?

I wouldn’t, because it’s not in my place to do so.

Each time l find my friend’s partner cheating on them, I look the other way.

You may want to blame me for looking the other way.

Well l do not want to breakup anyone’s relationship. I will rather keep my mouth shut and let them find out by themselves than be a messenger of doom.

It is best they find out by themselves and handle it the way they see fit. I don’t like to be an informant of doom or a blabber mouth.

Some couple can take infidelity better, if they find out by themselves than being told by others.

The humiliation of being informed of their partner’s infidelity by other people can increase their pain and make them react irrationally.

It is better you caution the cheating partner or stay out of it all together, instead of snitching.

No matter how close you are to a person or how much you care about them, when you find out their partner is cheating on them, please don’t put yourself in the middle and don’t meddle.

Even when your blood boils maintain your cool or else, you may end up being seen as a common enemy who doesn’t wish them well.

Some might even see you as a gossip. No matter your good intentions, I feel it’s best to stay out of it.

WHO DO YOU BLAME

Many people find an excuse to cheat and when they do, they put the blame on their partner.

Who do you blame? when a wife hires a nanny to help take care of the children and the husband ends up sleeping with the nanny. Well he blamed his wife, for bringing home the temptation by hiring a beautiful nanny.

Who do you blame when the wife sleeps with her husband’s friend for financial gain? Her own reason for cheating is her husband inability to provide for the family.

In my own opinion, no one else should be blamed for infidelity except the spouse that cheated. It is an act of weakness and we should take responsibility for our mistake and admit our fault, instead of shifting the blame on our partner. Not even the person that seduced you, is guilty.

You left yourself vulnerable and lacked a good sense of judgement at that point. Accept you’re entirely at fault and make restitution for your indiscretion instead of been defensive.

Trading blames for infidelity makes us to appear more guilty. Let’s call a spade, a spade. If you cheat on your spouse, accept your guilt and cut the crap. Don’t put the blame of your cheating on the shoulders of your partner, doing that will add more pain to an open wound.