MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING

I remember when I use to cry myself to sleep each time my heart was broken. I went through so much stress, those few times and I’ve gone on for six months at a time crying over a heartbreak.

My life stood still for half a year. You can imagine what I could have achieved within six months instead of mopping around over a breakup.

My heartbreaks were indeed few but were intense because I genuinely loved whoever it was that broke my heart.

Whenever I got over my breakup, I felt a tonne of load lifted off my shoulders. As if nothing that difficult, had happened to me. So what was the big deal after all, I asked myself.

I got to a breaking point, when I was treated shabbily by the one I loved. I questioned the justification of agonising over someone that was nasty to me for reasons best known to him.

Tough as it maybe, that was the turning point for me.

The pain some of us put ourselves through over heartbreaks are unnecessary. We are literarily killing a small fly with a sledge hammer.

I see it as stressing too much over nothing. This pain will definitely pass, if we persevere a little without punishing or killing ourselves.

When your heart is broken and you need to cry or pine over the breakup, cry a little. Don’t over process your thought and move on quickly.

Tears may come at night but joy will surely come in the morning. Don’t do too much for too little.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT

Why do some people think love at first sight is always a mere infatuation or lust?

For some people, it may be based on infatuation but it can also be real and genuine for others. I don’t think we should assume that, everyone that falls instantly in love with us is telling a lie or only infatuated.

I believe you can meet someone for the first time and fall in love with him or her for real. Love is a natural feeling and it is not something we can control.

Those who think love at first sight is always based on infatuation and lust, believe you have to know someone very well or get close to them before you can truly love them. They also believe any instant claim of love is outrageous, shallow and deceitful.

My point is this, love and affection can develop without warning. You can suddenly be drawn to a person and instantly fall in love with this person. It is very possible and I’ve seen it happen.

There is no mathematics or geography in love. One plus one may not necessarily be two when it comes to love, depending on the angle you’re looking at it.

From my own angle, love deals with feelings and emotions. You can not predict your feelings or how you will react, unless you encounter a situation.

Moreover we don’t get to chose who we love. It is determined by nature and the circumstances we find ourselves.

While playing it safe and weary of instant love, just sift out the truth from the lies and give the person that claims to love you a chance.

As in every other thing in life, there are no guarantees even in deep rooted relationships but I believe in love at first sight.

NEAR BUT FAR

Do you know you can be in a relationship and still feel lonely?

When your partner is not connecting with you on so many levels and you have this feeling of emptiness, then you’re in a near but far relationship.

Such partner are physically near but emotionally disconnected and distance. You can feel their physical presences in your life but their actions and attitude towards you, makes you feel lonely.

A near but far partner, always think she is doing her best to make you happy while the opposite is the case. To them, you’re being too hard to please.

A partner that likes to do everything on his own without involving or informing his spouse, is near but far. They keep secrets, while you are open to him or her.

They feel more superior especially when they are successful and powerful. Some have nothing, only ego yet they feel more superior. They also like to subdue their partner and they are equally controlling.

Their manner of approach may be business like because they don’t want to give you an opportunity to argue with them and they feel, they are always right.

When you argue with a partner that is near but far or try to get your point across to him, he will say you’re not being submissive.

Some see you as a possession not a partner. Others may not necessarily have a negative attittude but they just don’t know, how to relate with you. This brings up continuous disagreement, leaving you disconnected.

Once there is no togetherness in your relationship and you find yourself or your partner leading an individual life with no emotional connection, please know you’re in a near but far relationship.

I don’t like to struggle for my partner’s affection so a near but far relationship is not for me.

It is either my body and soul including my partner’s are involved or I opt out. I will gladly Iook for someone else that is more than willing to stay emotionally connected to me than settle for less because staying in a near but far relationship can make one miserable and sad.

As I’ve said in my last post, it is good to share our lives with a partner but we should be with people that shows they genuinely want and value us.

There is no point in getting involved or staying involved with someone that makes you feel alone and unloved.

A near but far relationship is the same thing as being alone.

SINGLE FOR A REASON

Valentine’s day has come and gone, yet some people have remained single. Many don’t mind their single status, while others does but they all have reasons for staying single.

Some people find it hard to love and trust again, when their hearts has been broken. They shut down and close up their hearts. Not wanting to take any risk or get involved with someone else.

Others are yet to find a compatible partner and have remained single for this reason.

Some few friends have also told me that, they are too busy for any romantic relationship or marriage. They like being single and only want to satisfy their sexual needs.

With the above highlighted reasons for being single, I still believe in getting involved. A relationship is a beautiful place to be. Finding someone to love and care for, is simply awesome.

I am not emphasising on marriage but at least have a companion, have someone in your life that will keep you company. You can take it to the next level if you wish.

Love and relationship is therapeutic for whoever find a good and considerate soul to love. I will rather be in love than be alone.

Loneliness is not a good thing both mentally and physically. The warmth and companionship of a genuine partner, can lift your spirit and cheer you up.

Life is ever challenging and walking through it alone, is tough. Why not get a compatible partner to walk through life with you and make life a little less difficult.

I know you’re single for a reason but you have the power to change your status. You can’t say because your heart was broken you will never love again.

Would you say, you will not drive again because you had a vehicular accident? You will only be careful the next time you handle a vehicle. Same with falling in love.

I know there is no perfect human being but you can find someone that can treat you right. There is always a partner for everyone of us. All we need to do, is to open up ourselves to the right person.

Love begins with you.

OBSESSION

I remember when I use to be obsessively in love. When I hopelessly and helplessly love someone that I couldn’t control my feelings and emotions.

Life was a learning process for me then. It wasn’t until late last year that I took charge of my emotions and stopped been obsessively in love. I couldn’t help but talk about it now and laugh at myself a little for my naivety.

Obsession is described as a persistent and an unrelenting desire for a subject or an object that you can’t explain or control.

You feel this burning need to pursue the subject or object of your desire.

When we are obsessed with our partners, we never get tired of spending time with them. Always wanting more of them. Yearning and pining when they are away. Constantly thinking and daydreaming about him or her.

Good or bad, you just want this person and only this person, no one else matters to you.

Before I took charge of my emotions a few months ago, I always proudly call myself a hopeless romantic. Indeed I was a hopeless romantic, I lived for love and enjoyed been in love.

Selflessly devoting myself to my partner and putting his needs before mine. Loving him no matter his shortcomings. Well l thought, that was how it should be when you are head over heels in love. I did learn the hard way and I know better now.

Obsession is not a thing I encourage, it is pure torture. You love someone to a standstill, to a point that you can’t explain or control yourself. You become a total fool for the sake of love. Blinded by love and overwhelmed by passion for one individual.

When you’re obsessed with your partner, you find it difficult to say no to his or her request. You want to do everything to please him or her, even at your own detriment. Sacrificing so much and unnecessarily punishing yourself.

You believe everything he or she says to you, not minding if she is lying or cheating on you.

If your partner knows you’re obsessed with him or her, most can take full advantage of you and exploit you. Remote controlling you. While others can feel suffocated by your attention and just push you away.

Most times people we are obsessed with, don’t feel the same way about us. Believe me, obsessing over anyone is not worth it. It’s best not to cross that line.

Stay on the safe side and just love with your senses intact. Stay calm and enjoy your relationship, don’t torture yourself. Love simple, love easy. No obsessing.

I LOVE YOU

This past week was mostly uneventful, untill a young undergraduate complained to me that her boyfriend steals her money and each time he confronts him about this fact, the only thing he says is “I love you’

She said, she becomes soft on him after hearing those words and they just kiss and make up. What has stealing got to do with I love you, I wondered. Anyway I told her, anyone can say I love you and not mean a word of it. Apparently her boyfriend is using those sweet words as a defensive tool and taking advantage of her affection for him.

He knows once he says those words to her, it’s game over.

I told her to sit him down, tell him to either change or cut him loose otherwise he will continue to steal from her and get away with it. She is too young to enslave herself in such an unhealthy and a manipulative relationship. It is only going to get worse.

“I love you’ has become an over used cliche that is constantly used by people whether they mean it or not. A partner that steals your money and dismisses it as a non issue, is clearly not truly in love with you.

If truly he is honest with you, why can’t he ask instead of stealing. Even if you end up not giving him or her, it is still better to ask than steal it from someone you claim to love.

I love you, has to be matched with actions not just words. I will rather you show me you love me than tell me. That is why I am economical with these three words. I don’t say it unless I mean it.

When you ask me how I feel about you, I can say I like you or just smile instead of lying to you. Especially if I’m not sure of my feelings for you.

Someone can tell you I love you now and throw you in front of a moving bus the next minute. They can say it today just to get you into bed and dump you the next day. You will be left, wondering what suddenly changed. People can say anything to get their way.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying people don’t say “I love you’ on face value and truly mean it. It’s up to you to decipher the truth from a lie. He or she has to confirm their affection more with the way they relate with you than mere rhetorics. Your partner can’t steal from you and say I love you, then you believe him or her hook line and sinker.

You have to seek more than these three words to be sure of your partner true feelings for you. Don’t go to sleep feeling totally convinced, because your partner or a potiential partner says he or she loves you. The word means nothing to some people and it is so easy for them to blurt it out just to score a point. Their body language and actions must match their words otherwise take it with a pinch of salt.

To those that find it easy to deceive their partners by saying I love you and not mean it, I’m sure you know it is absolutely unfair. I am not trying to beat up anyone but I think saying I love you, should be said only when we truly mean it. Remember! what goes around, comes around.

THE MARRIAGE ENDED BEFORE IT BEGAN

I was getting ready yesterday morning, to attend the wedding ceremony of my neighbour’s younger brother and running late for the Church service, when my neighbour came up to my apartment to announce that the wedding has been cancelled.

She told me, the bride was caught in a compromising situation with another man.

In details, the groom had visited his fiancee a day to the wedding. To collect the ring bearer’s suit, who was his nephew. The suit was earlier returned for amendment. He left the bride’s house earlier that day to enable her get her hair done.

Half way to his house, he realised he had forgotten to collect the ring bearer’s suit which was his primary reason for visiting her. Without calling, he headed back to her house.

He got there and found out she had gone to fix her hair as planned. After waiting longer than he anticipated, he went in search of her at the salon. He was told, she had long gone to see a friend called Cynthia. Thinking she was helping her client, the hairstylist innocently pointed the groom to cynthia’s house. Cynthia and the bride are both regular clients of the salon.

Knocking on Cynthia’s door, an older guy appeared and the bride was discovered half naked in the house. The bride was actually dating Cynthia’s elder brother.

After the initial shock, the groom left without saying a word, switched off his phone and didn’t contact anyone until the next day. Nobody knew he wasn’t going to attend his wedding until the D day.

The church was packed full the next morning with the officiating priest, family and some invited guest. Who were waiting for the groom to show up. It was after he called to cancelled the ceremony, that the bride realised the groom was not going to save face. She knew what she did was wrong and didn’t tell anyone what happened the night before. She was also too afraid to go after the groom that night. So she braved it, came to the Church, pretended all was well until the groom called.

My neighbour was very angry with her brother. He should have showed up for the wedding and saved face, she said. The bride was probably having a last fling and her brother could have easily look the other way and forgiven her instead of making a mountain out of a molehill. They would have all been saved the embarrassment.

If it was the other way round, the bride would have surely forgiven him and attended the wedding anyway. Many women would have gone ahead with the wedding, she said. Yes other people may have gone ahead with the wedding but her brother couldn’t, I said.

I told my neighbour, that wasn’t a molehill. She shouldn’t condone what the bride did and not take sides with her. Heaping the entire blame on her brother wasn’t reasonable either. It must have taken a lot for him to have walked away instead of attending his wedding and avoiding the embarrassment. Moreover what the bride did, was too painful for him to bear.

How do you think such a marriage would have eventually played out? Starting out with so much distrust and pain. To me, he took the best decision by walking away.

What would you have done? Attend the wedding and save face or simply walk away.

INFIDELITY AND FORGIVENESS

I find it hard to completely forgive a cheating partner even when I am in love with him because I feel betrayed by him but some people are so strong. They look past their partner’s infidelity and totally forgive them.

A childhood friend of mine, had an affair while married. She got pregnant by the man she was cheating with and didn’t declare to her husband that the pregnancy wasn’t his, until she had the baby.

When her husband found out, he was angry but he eventually forgave her and looked the other way because he still loves her. Though he blamed himself for not giving her enough attention which led her to cheat. To me, she had no reason to cheat, attention or not. There are other means of dealing with marital issues without cheating. Anyway, her husband took the child in and raised her as his own.

“All is forgiven” he said and they are still together to this day.

How about the woman that got infected with HIV/ AIDS by her husband. After many years of marriage, her husband had an affair with a younger woman, got infected with the virus without knowing.

Years later, he came down with multiple infections. Got so sick and was tested. That was when he knew he was infected with the virus. His wife had to get tested too. She came back positive and was devastated but she didn’t hold it against him. Her husband infection was eventually traced back to the lady he earlier had the affair with. Funny! She went on with her marriage, nursed her husband each time he was sick and they still got on well.

Her immunity was apparently stronger and she was coping better than her husband. When she was asked, why she carried on with her marriage as if nothing major had happened. She said, she had forgiven her husband’s infidelity and every other thing that came with it, long before he came down with the virus and there was nothing else she was willing to do about it.

These are the kind of people I call strong, tough and determined. Very few people can tolerate such magnitude of betrayal. I will probably not talk to a man like that, for the rest of my life and won’t nurse him when he is sick.

It is one thing for a married person to erroneously get infected with the virus but it is bad enough to get it through infidelity and go ahead to infect your partner. I will definitely blow a gasket, if it was me. Forgiveness will be the last thing on my mind, infact my pain and anger will be palpable.

Reflecting back on this woman’s action and magnanimity, I find myself deeply humbled. I learnt from her story and she has made me to see forgiveness in a different light.

She forgave her husband’s infidelity with everything that came with it and she proved her undying love to him even after been betrayed. Nursing him, when she should be mad at him. Same goes for the man that forgave his wife despite her cheating and he accepted a child, that was fathered by another man. They both believe in total forgiveness without looking back. This is food for thought and a thing to reflect on but would you ever forgive such a betrayal?

MEN ALSO CRY

Most women believe that men don’t cry. They also believe that men lack emotions and are heartless because they don’t shed tears like women do but that is not true. Men also cry, as a counsellor at least I’ve seen a few of them cry privately. Some over the demise of their loved ones and others over a heartbreak.

Women are different from men, we are not very good at masking our feelings like men and some of us are highly emotional. We cry at will and mop like babies when we are hurt. That is the tenderness that differentiate a woman from a man.

I know many women wants to see their men cry. To see that soft side of them but arguably many men don’t like to cry openly or in the presence of their friends and a woman. They believe crying openly makes them vulnerable but that doesn’t mean they don’t cry. Honestly they do, only in private moments. When a man choose to cry openly, then the pain would have been most unbearable for anyone. Especially the demise of a beloved child.

Please don’t think your man lacks emotions or he doesn’t feel your pain because you haven’t seen him cry or he is not crying with you during those trying times. He is only staying strong for both of you. For instance, when you see your man cry, what will you do? I will be dazed, especially if we are both crying at the same time. I will probably stop crying to console him.

Admit it women, when you see the man you love cry, it breaks your heart. You just want to hug him and kiss his tears away. I think that men knows this, that’s why they hide their tears from us in order to protect us. There are exceptional cases where some clever men use their crocodile tears to blackmail their women into submission.

Well I have nothing against a man crying, infact I want my man to let down his guard for once and cry in my presence. You can imagine how that night will end with such an emotional roller coaster, sparks we definitely fly.

Men should know that, women want to see them cry. There is nothing wrong in breaking down in the presence of your partner when the going gets tough. At least you will get a hug and a shoulder to lean on. You can even get a consolatory sponge bath and whatever else you want. So men, cry if you need to let off some steam. It doesn’t make you look vulnerable. It only shows you have a heart that feels pain too.

PREPARING FOR A DIVORCE BEFORE SAYING I DO

There are many people planning to get married but wondering if they are making a mistake. Some are already preparing their mind for a divorce should it not work out as anticipated.

Having such thought before saying I do, should be worrisome and it should be a sign that, all is not well with your relationship. Why did you agree to marry each other, if you have doubts that the marriage may not work? You’re already setting your mind towards a divorce even before you are joined in matrimony.

Marriage is not a trial by error and there shouldn’t be a moment of doubt before saying I do. Once there is an iota of doubt that you can not wish away, it is best to stop it before solemnising it.

I always tell people it is not about the wedding ceremony or the beautiful cake. It’s about the future and the happiness of you and your partner. Your partner may not meet all your expectations after marriage but why not go into the marriage with optimism if you have chosen to be with this person and not start being pessimistic.

Prepare your mind for the ups and downs that comes with marriage and be determined to make it work instead of preparing to jump ship once the boat rocks.

Once there is a glitch in your relationship that makes you foresee a future breakup, please do not tie the knot with such negative thought and fear in your mind. That will always ring a bell in your head and it can influence your decision to end your marriage quickly.

Remember no marriage is perfect but you can enjoy your marriage and not endure it, if you work at it.

In summary, if you’re getting married, do so without fear, bias or doubts. Otherwise remain single until it feels right to get married.