WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO OFFER?

My niece said, she will not date a man that has nothing to offer her. She has to know what he is bringing to the table before she can agree to a relationship.

She does not want a man that will take from her and not give anything in return.

Take from her, does not mean only love and intimacy. She mentioned her time, respect, Kindness, fidelity, loyalty, including her prayers and many more.

She does not want to be the only one making all the sacrifices. He also has to be seen as been active and involved in the relationship.

I quite agree with her, not because she is my niece. She made some salient points that l found valid.

Some people are actually looking for help not a real relationship and that is their primary motive for going into a union.

They just want to take and take without giving anything in return, even the non physical things. This is not about a man or a woman, it is both.

If a man cannot offer you a gift, he should be able to offer you kindness. If he cannot be loyal to you then he should be faithful and so forth.

Something has just got to give. It is important to know your proposed partner is ready to make sacrifices and he or she is sincere about it. This will give you an idea of what to expect.

If you’re willing to pray for his wellbeing, he should also be willing to say a prayer for you. Aside that, if you give her your time, she should also do the same too. Not becoming too busy to spend her time with you.

We should not fool ourselves at the altar of love. Playing nice to a carefree partner is simply naive.

Love is give and take, it should be so for equity sake.

So what have you got to offer your partner?

MY TWO YEARS JOURNEY

It’s been two years since I started bunchup.WordPress.com and I’ve not looked back since that beautiful Sunday afternoon.

Writing has given me the platform to express myself and share my thought on love and relationship.

While growing up, I didn’t have anyone to mentor or counsel me on relationship and life in general. I was quite naive and I was easily intimidated.

What really kept me going during those period was my outlook to life and my ability to decipher, right from wrong.

Not having a mentor while I was much younger, drove me to become a counselor. So that, I can counsel others who have no one to seek guidance from.

I’ve made my own share of mistakes and I do have some regrets especially with my friendship and relationship. Nevertheless life has been fair to me and I’m happy for the woman I have become. I am also not doing badly in my chosen field.

I want to use this forum to thank my dear friend, Klaus Peter, (Guten tag!) you’re always awesome. Dozie Nwubani, I appreciate you.

I want to also thank my co-bloggers for their support and encouragement. Tom and Audrey you make me blush with your beautiful comment, I love you both. My dear Jennifer Juneau, near or far you remain special.

Dave Gardner, Frank Solanki, Nderi Sarah, Ron Walker, Jing Sebastian, Supreet, Ted Campbell, Paul Sunstone, Cristian Mihai, Nistur Anadi, Elisabeth, designwithflair, Jay Colby, Subhash Chatterji.

My great chef Hang, I love your recipes. Jerri Peri, crazyloveparents, Ruchi, Megala, dfriend1991, KR, Archana and many others too numerous to mention. You are all doing a wonderful job. Wish I can visit your blogs often. WordPress is a family and I’m happy to be part of you guys.

To my readers, I owe you a depth of gratitude for reading my post even though it’s not perfect. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. Keep encouraging me by reading my post and my co- bloggers post as well. Your comments and criticism will be most appreciated.

I am leaving everyone with this words and it is one of my favourite quote. “It is not over, until it’s over’ This is just the beginning of the good things to come to everyone one of us. Amen to that.

DATING YOUR BESTFRIEND’S EX

How does it feel to date your bestfriend’s ex? It seems awkward to me but I haven’t experienced it before.

One thing I cherish most in friendship and in my relationship, is loyalty. My friends partner, whether current or ex are off limit for me and that’s my own way of showing loyalty to them.

I consider a friend dating my ex as disloyal, especially if she was a confidant during my relationship with him.

I know my ex owes me nothing and he is free to date whoever he wants but the sentimental me, will not be comfortable with him dating my best friend.

It will even be harder on me, if I still love him or if we parted ways with bitterness.

I am good at forgiving people when they hurt me but this might make it a bit difficult to overlook because I will see her as taking sides with my ex and that will be a betrayal to me.

It may sound petty to others but I won’t blame anyone for resenting his or her bestfriend for choosing to date their ex.

There is no law against dating your bestfriend’s ex but it leaves a sour taste in the mouth.

I agree we can’t choose who we fall in love with but I think it’s best we avoid hurting our friends by staying off their current or ex partners.

Please look out for my mid week post on Wednesday the 23rd of August. It is bunchup anniversary special.

TRYING TOO HARD

Love is all about sacrifice and pleasing our partners but are you trying too hard to please your partner. If you are, then you’re not alone. I am also guilty of doing the same thing.

I should really relate this topic to my past because I no longer see the need to literally knock my head on the wall for someone to love me.

Many young men and women go out of their way to make ridiculous sacrifices at the altar of love which I see as a mistake. I’ve been there, made same mistake.

For example, a young lady rejected a scholarship given to her for further studies abroad with a guaranteed job thereafter because she didn’t want to leave her boyfriend behind.

She was unfortunately dumped later, by the same boyfriend for another lady residing abroad.

I’ve seen men run into financial problems because of a woman. They spend beyond their limit just to please their girlfriend.

A dear friend also thought by having many children, her husband will stay glued to her side. At the detriment of her health she had seven kids which she is raising alone now. No glued husband by her side.

These are few examples of the silly things we do to impress our partners and I see it as trying too hard. I know people like to impress and please their partner but my point is not to over do it.

As I usually say, what will be, will surely be. If someone is going to be with you, she will. Don’t be too desperate to keep someone in your life, if they want to stay, they will stay.

There is even no guarantee your partner will love you more or be faithful to you, if you bend backwards and break your back to please him or her.

Why don’t you just be yourself and let him or her accept you for who you are instead of trying too hard to impress him or her.

If you can’t help him with his laundry tell him instead of pretending to enjoy doing it and grumbling behind his back etc.

If you can’t afford an expensive date let her know your limit.

I believe so much in love and in a loving relationship but we shouldn’t’ be too desperate to please our partner at the detriment of our well being and happiness, especially for partners who may not appreciate our sacrifices.

It took me time to understand this, but I eventually did.

LIVING OFF YOUR WOMAN

It is becoming increasingly trendy for some men to live off women. It’s like a new norm where men expects women to financially and physically take care of their needs. These men are not ready to reciprocate this kind and loving gesture. They hide behind romance to milk some vulnerable women dry.

You find such men seeking out women who appears financially stable and who are probably looking for a serious relationship. This trend, bothers a lot of women and it is really frustrating to find true love.

Some of this men don’t care about the age or looks of their target. Their main intention is the financial and material gain.

I know this has been in existence for a very long time but the surge in men seeking financial support from women is what baffles me.

I don’t know if the tremendous surge is due to economical down turn and recession in some part of the world or more men are becoming lazy and complacent. Even the perceived decent and responsible men are not left out.

I am not against a woman supporting her man, if he runs into financial problems. I just don’t like men who wants a relationship with me because of what they can benefit.

I am indeed big on gift and giving. I encourage women to also buy gifts for their men but not to take full responsiblity for all his needs unless he is broke.

A friend sponsored her man through school when he had no job. Fed him and gave him pocket money which he secretly used in financing his other relationship with a much younger lady, who he ended up with.

Honestly the surge in men wanting to live off women is becoming alarming and a hot topic between many women in my part of the world, especially older women and this is very distasteful to them.

I can help my man when he is in need and also be there for him but I don’t want to be treated like a sugar mummy.

I just hope reason will prevail and some men will allow genuine romance to flourish.

FIGHTING OVER A CHEATING PARTNER

Is it worth fighting over your partner, if you catch him or her cheating on you?

I’ve seen many women and men, especially women fight with other ladies over their partner. Even married people fight over their spouse.

I won’t fight over any man with another woman, in fact I have no business with the woman my partner is cheating with. So why should I stoop so low to publicly humiliate myself over love.

Why give another human being such power over you?

When I was much younger, if I met a lady or a lady comes in to meet me in my partner’s house, I simply observe my partner’s attitude towards me and the other lady.

If he paid more attention to me, I stayed and watch as the drama unfolds. If he paid more attention to her or he tries to appear neutral as if he has no relationship going with me, I leave immediately.

No comment, no argument, just goodbye see you later. If he still wants me, he will come back begging and my self esteem will still be intact.

I see ladies tear each other’s clothes to shreds over a man. The man will sometimes stand aloof and allow them to dig at each other. Some who feel concerned, will try and separate the two fighting ladies.

When a woman is caught cheating and it comes down to fisticuffs between her partners, the cheating woman usually support the man she likes more among the two.

I call it a dirty fight. It is not in anyone’s interest to lose your dignity or a limb over love. If you catch your man or your woman cheating on you, walk away and let them come begging if they still want you.

It will now be up to you, to either forgive him or end the relationship if you’re no longer interested.

If you must get angry, direct your anger at your partner, not the person he or she is cheating with it and don’t be violent.

There is plenty fish in the ocean, don’t ridicule yourself over someone who may not even appreciate your love.

If it hurts to see your partner with someone else, don’t fight. It will eventually get better if you can persevere.

KNOWING WHAT YOU WANT

I like it when a man tells me exactly what he wants from me or what he is expecting from our relationship.

It makes life and the relationship a lot easier to manage and you wouldn’t have to waste precious time on a partner that is not meeting your needs and desires.

I didn’t start out knowing what I wanted from my romantic relationship. Mine was to fall in love and just go with the flow.

Apparently, that didn’t work out for me because I was floating in an empty relationship that didn’t fulfill my heart desires.

Years down the line with maturity, I seriously know what I want from my man and I won’t probably settle for too less.

My fruit should not fall far from it’s tree. That is how, I view my choices now.

There are men and women who are very honest from the beginning. They lay their cards bare on the table and are prepared to walk away instead of compromising their integrity.

Some men who knows what they want and are not afraid to ask for it, will tell you they are just looking to have fun with you, no marriage, no babies. That is fair and honest enough.

If you want the same thing with this person, go for it otherwise look for someone else who wants what you want. Who is ready to take full responsibility when it happens.

Some women will agree to this arrangement and still get pregnant with the hope that the man will change his mind and marry them.

When that does not happen, they cry foul.

If a person has told you, what he or she wants from you from the beginning and you agree to it. You don’t need to pull a fast one or be disappointed with the outcome of the relationship if you derailed.

I can never put myself in a baby mama situation, unless I’m willing to solely take care of that child.

That is why we have to set a relationship standard for ourselves from the beginning and not jump into any relationship.

I’ve learnt my life lessons the hard way and it’s painful to be in an unsatisfying relationship. You will just be drifting through life until something gives.

This is your life and you get to live it once, no season two. It is not worth wasting time in a relationship that only makes you uncomfortable.

Be with someone that will treat you right or walk away, if he or she is not right for you before you invest too much of your time in the relationship.

A partner that can meet 65% of my relationship needs is a pass mark to me.

To avoid confusion and disappointment in your romantic life. Identify what your relationship needs are, the kind of partner you wish to be with and stick with it. That doesn’t mean you’re not flexible, you’re only been cautious.

You will be a lot happier if you’re with the kind of partner your heart desire, instead of trying to change or hoping someone will change to the type of partner you want.

Don’t sell yourself short or you will look back in regret.

MOCKING YOUR PARTNER

How many of us pay attention to what we say to hurt our partners? Some of us blurt out words that we can never take back and this can cause resentment between you and your partner.

It is very painful when we mock our partner with their secret and their shortcomings. I consider it a betrayal.

It is truly a betrayal because your partner should be the closest person to you. Your confidant, someone you run to when the whole world is against you. So when he becomes the mockery master, it drives a dagger through my heart.

You don’t bluntly tell your partner she is fat, even though she is. You have to be diplomatic in saying it even though she wants to know. Otherwise it may sound as if you’re mocking her.

You should also know that, it is very low to hit back at your partner with what they share with you in private moments.

Mentioning how your partner moan and groan in bed while making love is embarrassing to me, especially when you joke about it in a mocking way.

If you want to talk about your partner’s snoring habit, don’t rub it in or dwell on it for too long. Avoid been dramatic about sensitive issues.

When you’re having a misunderstandings with your spouse, please don’t refer to or insult them with what they told you in confidence. That is the lowest anyone can go with me.

I can even tolerate be told I’m fat and ugly but don’t insult me with what I shared with you in secret.

It is not as if I cannot handle a joke or criticism but some issues are too sensitive to joke about because it may sound humiliating.

For example, if your partner told you he embezzled money in the past and has repented but you think the best way to hit back at him when he hurts you, is to call him a thief. Then you’re breeding resentment.

Don’t drop words like, “once a thief, always a thief”. Just to batter his ego.

If you do that to me, I will never confide in you again and that will thin out my trust in you..

I am not saying you should tip toe around your partner or be uptight. Just be considerate of their feelings and don’t throw caution to the wind because they are tolerating your excesses too.

In summary, if your partner can not measure up to your standard, instead of mocking them with it, take them for who they are. Be subtle with your demand for change or let them go.

It is better to always treat others the way we want to be treated.

THE DIFFERENCE

The difference between two people are enormous, yet they agree to come together to form a union. Through marriage, in love and affection for each other.

Do you know that, this difference between them will always reflect in their relationship.

Men always want women to react to issues like them, while women wants men to respond to everything the way a woman will. This is absolutely not possible.

Aside from the fact that men and women are physically different, they are also from a different background. Raised by two different people with different outlook to life.

This difference is majorly the cause of problems between couples. No matter how close or loving they are towards each other, there will always be frictions between them.

In learning more about life, love and relationship, I always look for the easiest way to cohabit with one another with very little stress.

Most of our adult life is spent as a couple and relationships can most times be difficult, stressful and challenging.

I think our relationship can be less stressful and more enjoyable, if we accept the difference between us and see it as normal.

You will no longer be shocked, react irrational or be grossly offended if your partner does or says a different thing from what you expected.

Once you have it at the back of your mind, that your partner is different from you, there will be more understanding in your relationship. You will also be more tolerant.

In hindsight! If I knew what I know now, my relationship may probably have been glorious but it is never too late for us to put to use the knowledge we acquire along the journey of life and we learn everyday.

Reflect on this, it may bring peace and tranquility into your marriage and in your relationship. Knowledge is power.

AN ULTIMATUM

If you cannot match your words with action, please don’t give your partner an ultimatum. You will only make him or her dismiss your words and take you more for granted.

I’ve seen men and women threaten to walk out of their relationship for being taken for granted but they end up eating their words and ignored by their partner.

Some partner may change for the better if they feel their relationship is truly threatened by the ultimatum.
Others can be lackadaisical about it, hoping their partner will not go through with the threat.

While some partners will stand their ground and wait for you, to do your worse. Especially when they are not sober or are being accused wrongly.

Don’t just throw out words, to scare or intimidate your partner if you’re not ready or strong enough to see it to a logical conclusion. It will only make you look unserious and more open to abuse.

If you give your partner an ultimatum for cheating on you, to either stop or risk the chance of losing you. Put your words into action and don’t back down until you’re taken serious.

You must also confirm your partner is guilty of your accusation before you reel out threat or it might backfire on you, if you’re wrong.

Moreover don’t make it a way of life or a regular thing because your partner will see it as a joke.

I implore you, not to use it as a cheap blackmail because you know your partner loves you and will do your bidding. That to me, is manipulative.

Using an ultimatum as a tool for blackmail and revenge in the bedroom is tasteless, so don’t play a tit for tat game with your partner.

People don’t like to be threatened, only give an ultimatum when it is absolutely necessary and when you have exhausted other means. It will carry more weight when it is seldomly used.

Above all, say it only when you mean it and do unto others as you want others to do unto you.