MOCKING YOUR PARTNER

How many of us pay attention to what we say to hurt our partners? Some of us blurt out words, we can never take back and this can cause resentment between you and your partner.

It is very painful when we mock our partner with their secret and their shortcomings. I consider it a betrayal.

It is a betrayal to me because your partner should be the closest person to you. Your confidant, someone you run to when the whole world is against you. So when he becomes the mockery master, it drives a dagger through my heart.

You don’t bluntly tell your partner she is fat, even though she is obviously fat and wants to know if she is. You have to be diplomatic with your answer or else, it may sound as if you’re mocking her.

You should also know that, it is very low to hit back at your partner with what they share with you in private moments.

Mentioning how your partner moan and groan in bed while making love is embarrassing to me, especially when you joke about it in a mocking way.

If you want to talk about your partner’s snoring habit, don’t rub it in or dwell on it for too long. Avoid been dramatic about sensitive issues.

When you’re having a misunderstandings with your partner, please don’t refer to or insult them with what they told you in confidence. That is the lowest anyone can go with me.

I can even tolerate be told I’m fat and ugly but don’t insult me with what I shared with you in secret.

It is not as if I cannot handle a joke or criticism but some issues are too sensitive to joke about because it may sound humiliating.

For example, if your partner told you he embezzled money in the past and has repented but you think the best way to hit back at him when he hurts you, is to call him a thief. Then you’re breeding resentment.

Some can drop words to such partner like, “once a thief, always a thief”. To batter his ego.

If you do that to me, I will never confide in you again and that will thin out my trust in you..

I am not saying you should tip toe around your partner or be uptight. Just be considerate of their feelings and don’t throw caution to the wind because they are tolerating your excesses too.

In summary, if your partner can not measure up to your standard, instead of mocking them with it, take them for who they are. Be subtle with your demand for change or let them go.

It will be better to always treat others the way we want to be treated.

NOT TOO YOUNG TO BE MARRIED

Is there really an ideal age to get married? Well I don’t think so. Marriage isn’t about age to me, I feel it is more about a person’s state of mind and maturity.

Someone once told me, getting married too young is suicidal because you’re still literally learning how to tie your shoe lace and not ready to be a husband or a wife.

I completely disagree with this thought. People get married at twenty or forty and they either got it right or wrong.

I think you’re ready to get married, as long as you’re an adult. Financially independent, matured physically and emotionally to handle what comes with marriage.

You need all these factors to keep a marriage going and as long as you’ve got it, you’re ready to roll.

A twenty four years old male who came to me for counseling, said he was told by his parents that he was too young to get married when he was twenty one.

His fiancee then, left him because she felt he was not man enough to stand up to his parents and wouldn’t make a good husband if he could not stand firm on his decision.

To this day, he resents his parents for discouraging him. He felt his parents changed the direction of his life and left him with a low self esteem.

He also hasn’t been able to hold down a serious relationship since then.

I’ve encouraged him to move on, forgive his parents and see them as been over protective of him. Not with the intention to sabotage his happiness.

Nevertheless, as parents there is so much we can do for our kids if they have become adults.

If they say, they are ready for marriage, we shouldn’t stop them as long as they are adults.

It is best to allow them, learn from their mistakes and we shouldn’t be over protective.

If you’re an adult and you’ve got what it takes, you’re not too young to get married.

Stay Happy☺

THE DIFFERENCE

The difference between two people are enormous, yet they agree to come together to form a union. Through marriage, in love and affection for each other.

Do you know that, this difference between them will always reflect in their relationship.

Men always want women to react to issues like them, while women wants men to respond to everything the way a woman will. This is absolutely not possible.

Aside from the fact that men and women are physically different, they are also from a different background. Raised by two different people with different outlook to life.

This difference is majorly the cause of problems between couples. No matter how close or loving they are towards each other, there will always be frictions between them.

In learning more about life, love and relationship, I always look for the easiest way to cohabit with one another with very little stress.

Most of our adult life is spent as a couple and relationships can most times be difficult, stressful and challenging.

I think our relationship can be less stressful and more enjoyable, if we accept the difference between us and see it as normal.

You will no longer be shocked, react irrational or be grossly offended if your partner does or says a different thing from what you expected.

Once you have it at the back of your mind, that your partner is different from you, there will be more understanding in your relationship. You will also be more tolerant.

In hindsight! If I knew what I know now, my relationship may probably have been glorious but it is never too late for us to put to use the knowledge we acquire along the journey of life and we learn everyday.

Reflect on this, it may bring peace and tranquility into your marriage and in your relationship. Knowledge is power.

AN ULTIMATUM

If you cannot match your words with action, please don’t give your partner an ultimatum. You will only make him or her dismiss your words and take you more for granted.

I’ve seen men and women threaten to walk out of their relationship for being taken for granted but they end up eating their words and ignored by their partner.

Some partner may change for the better if they feel their relationship is truly threatened by the ultimatum.
Others can be lackadaisical about it, hoping their partner will not go through with the threat.

While some partners will stand their ground and wait for you, to do your worse. Especially when they are not sober or are being accused wrongly.

Don’t just throw out words, to scare or intimidate your partner if you’re not ready or strong enough to see it to a logical conclusion. It will only make you look unserious and more open to abuse.

If you give your partner an ultimatum for cheating on you, to either stop or risk the chance of losing you. Put your words into action and don’t back down until you’re taken serious.

You must also confirm your partner is guilty of your accusation before you reel out threat or it might backfire on you, if you’re wrong.

Moreover don’t make it a way of life or a regular thing because your partner will see it as a joke.

I implore you, not to use it as a cheap blackmail because you know your partner loves you and will do your bidding. That to me, is manipulative.

Using an ultimatum as a tool for blackmail and revenge in the bedroom is tasteless, so don’t play a tit for tat game with your partner.

People don’t like to be threatened, only give an ultimatum when it is absolutely necessary and when you have exhausted other means. It will carry more weight when it is seldomly used.

Above all, say it only when you mean it and do unto others as you want others to do unto you.

NO MORE ARGUMENT

I believe couples can live together without constant argument. We all know that most argument can lead to friction, even when it’s not intended. So why can’t we avoid it.

I’m usually not a confrontational person, I will rather walk away than get into a fight with anyone.

You may think I’m docile because I don’t act on my anger. Well I am not, I just don’t see the need to burnout myself over every issue.

For instance if something is blue and you insist it is black, instead of it to degenerate into an argument, I will assume you choose to see it that way. It may also appear black from your own angle or you’re colour blind.

That will not necessarily change my own view of the colour.

I don’t like to force my opinion on anyone and you don’t have to always agree with my view neither do I have to always agree with yours.

When I try to explain something to you and you don’t see it my way, I will back off before it turns ugly.

It is necessary to also keep quiet when your partner is fuming because arguing with him or her at that point, will only make things worse. Silence sometimes is golden.

In conclusion, if you’re the type that always like to argue with your partner, start small by ignoring mundane issues.

If you have to argue, don’t over stretch it. From thereon you will see the need to stop arguing. Don’t feed your anger with argument.

You can always make your point clear without forcing it.

Being peaceful doesn’t make you a coward and you don’t need to prove you’re right all the time.

If you need peace, give peace.

No more argument please!

DREAMING OUT LOUD

Would you quit your relationship because your partner calls out another person’s name in his or her sleep?

A lady is breaking up with her partner for this reason and I find it funny that someone will hold her partner responsible for what comes out of his mouth while sleeping. I don’t think anyone has control over such things.

We sometimes dream when we sleep and some of us talk while asleep, that doesn’t make what we say real.

Anyway, my account officer have decided to leave her partner because he was constantly shouting out Rebecca in his sleep and her own name is Freda.

She felt her partner was cheating on her with Rebecca and that was enough evidence to pull the plug on their relationship.

I think it is rather myopic to break up with your partner for dreaming out loud.

You need more than someone talking in their sleep for you to end a relationship. Although she said, her partner twice called her Rebecca when he was wide awake and that left her feeling humiliated.

She no longer wish to stay with a partner that is dreaming of another woman.

Freda wants me to support her and castigate her partner but I told her, she has no physical evidence that is convincing enough to make me believe that her partner was truly cheating on her.

What you say while sleeping shouldn’t count because it is not real. Anyone can also randomly mix up names while awake. I do that sometimes, when I’m absent minded.

I toId her to give her partner, the benefit of doubt since he denied knowing anyone called Rebecca and has begged for forgiveness. I would have supported her, if her partner called out Rebecca’s name when they were been intimate but he didn’t.

Calling out a different person’s name while been intimate with another is a different ball game but this didn’t happen between them.

He may be lying and he may not but there is no hard evidence to prove he is lying and cheating on her with Rebecca.

I’ve said my bit, the rest is up to her to look past that slip or quit the relationship but I won’t end a relationship based on what I heard from someone sleeping.

MISUNDERSTOOD

I’ve been down for the last six days but thankfully I was strong enough to write today.

The only thing that got me going since Monday was my sense of humour and I also distracted myself with the social media otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to lift a finger by now.

Anyway my young niece came over to cheer me up yesterday with her baby and she didn’t leave without asking for my counsel.

I thought she was going to just let me enjoy her company but no, she had to make me talk more than I wanted to.

Her worries, which she permitted me to share with my readers since there is something to learn from it, seems to rattle her.

She had her first child seven months ago and sex between her husband and her, has reduced since over five months back. Without talking to her hubby, she assumed he no longer find her attractive because she had a baby.

She said, her husband is working harder and longer than he did before she put to bed.

I felt she misunderstood her husband diminished interest in sex, as a lack of interest in her body.

For crying out loud, the young man is working harder and longer to provide for his young family and he comes home exhausted after long hours at work.

There is bound to be changes in his sexual appetite, unless he is James Bond.

For someone like me, that is the clue and answer to her worries.

Exhaustion is the culprit, not the lack of interest in her post baby body. He has continued to be nice and considerate towards her. It is only the sex that has reduced not stopped. That is a signal he still cares.

With his kind of work commitment, if he didn’t find her attractive he won’t make any effort to check her out at all.

Clearly my niece wants more of her husband and there is nothing bad in wanting more. After all, they are married and she loves him.

I told my niece to lovingly talk to him to slow down and reduce is long hours of work because she needs more of his attention. She should avoid friction between them, by not giving him an ultimatum and not sound as if she is trying to control him.

She will have to also manage whatever her husband can provide and not complain about money, if he has to work less. Alternatively she can find a daycare for her baby and simply get a job to support his income.

That can enable him reduce his work load and pay more attention in the bedroom.

Working so hard doesn’t really mean partners, shouldn’t pay attention to each other’s needs. We have to learn to balance our lives but when it becomes too difficult to do, we can cut each other some slacks and bear with our partner till the situation improves.

Many spouse have sometimes been misunderstood. We shouldn’t always see a wrong move by our partner as hostile, it can easily be an innocent reaction.

Talk to your partner, if you don’t understand what is going on with him or her. There is no harm in asking questions and please apply wisdom in your judgement.

Happy Sunday.

A SINGLE PARENT

It is tough to successfully raise children as a couple. Imagine when children are been raised by one person.

Becoming a single parent is mostly not intentional, we all know it can happen through the loss of a spouse, desertion, divorce or disappointment and it can happen to anyone.

A married person can also be a single parent in an ongoing marriage if one of them is not living up to his or her responsibility as a parent.

When you find yourself alone with your kids, you become their father and their mother all rolled into one. The sole provider of their emotional, physical and financial needs. Which can drain the life out of you.

To raise a successful child as parents, is a feat to me. To achieve it as a single parent is a double feat because I know what it takes to be a parent.

What baffles me, is the negative attitude of some people towards a single parent. They see them as weak and not capable of raising their children alone. Moreover they don’t get enough support from the society.

Well it doesn’t mean that a child raised by both parents will automatically turn out good neither does it mean they will turn out bad. Same goes for a single parent.

What many forget is that, the ability to successfully raise children is not by being single or as a couple. It all depends on individual parenting skill.

I know couples who are weak with wayward children and I’ve seen couples who are doing a good job as parents. I have also seen a single parent who is doing a fantastic job with his kids. Another single parent I know, can’t keep it together.

Parenting skills depends on individual capabilities not their status so don’t judge a single parent from where you’re sitting.

I have a particular friend I admire who is a single parent. She is working so hard to raise her lovely kids despite all odds.

Shoutout to her and all the single parent out there, doing a great job. It is tough to do it alone yet, you’re doing your best.

Find joy in the success of your children because you have earned it.

KEEPING UP WITH THE FAMILY TRADITION

Easter is here again and I can’t believe I am laid back and not running around trying to cook the best meal to fete friends and people around me. I’m at home watching movies and sleeping intermittently. Enjoying my holiday alone.

Easter celebrations was a big thing with my parents. We had an Easter tradition which we strictly adhere to. It was about church activities, cooking, baking and sharing.

There are different traditional easter meals we cooked and gave out to everyone we knew. It was always a big funfare and I was happy to help my mother in the kitchen despite always being covered in flour while mixing the dough.

Many years down the line with my parents long gone, I haven’t been able to maintain that tradition. My siblings had carried on with it, with their own individual families but I couldn’t. Not because I don’t want to, but it is too much work for me.

Back then, we had dishes that took us three days to prepare and my older siblings were there to help. (By the way, I am the youngest of them.)

We had this beans meal made with coconut milk. We had to crack and grate a large number of coconut for long hours because of the quantity of milk we needed.

Baking and cooking starts from Holy Thursday till Saturday and we continued on Easter Sunday after church service. Easter Monday was used as a resting day after attending church activities.

Some of my siblings have continued to lovingly scold me for not keeping up with our Easter family tradition.

I honestly don’t see it as a big deal but they always like to make me feel guilty.

They don’t want to understand my schedule and I have no helping hand. Especially to crack and grate the coconut. I dare not buy aIready made coconut milk, my sisters will not let me be, if they knew it was not home made.

I can cook other simple meals but no, it has to be my mother’s traditional food or nothing else. My siblings think, it’s a way of honouring her memory during the Easter festivities.

They figured if they can do it, why can’t I.

There are so many people who haven’t been able to continue with one family tradition or another. Even the ones that are more serious than mine.

Things are different when we become adults, faced with life challenges. We may not be able to continue in our family footsteps.

I don’t think people should see that as being irresponsible. Some people are so engrossed with their own lives that they can not maintain a family tradition, keep a family heirloom or continue with a generational family business. It is not selfishness to me, it is called living.

I do not have anything against family traditions but there should be room for flexibility. Nothing is constant in life, except change.

If you can continue with your family tradition, please do. Play your part but don’t criticise your partner or other people for not keeping up with their own neither should you make them feel irresponsible.

May we find our way, all through our journey in life with joy and happiness. Happy Easter.

MY REGRET

I hear people say they have no regret, they are living their lives the way they planned and dreamed it. The much older ones said, they have lived a fulfilling life with no regret.

People live fulfilling lives that I agree, but that doesn’t mean they have no regret.

Well I don’t believe an adult has no regret. So it’s up to those who choose to see it differently to decide if their life is flawless.

No one has a perfect life, we all make mistakes. We must have taken one or two decisions in our lives that we regretted or taken a turn that derailed our dreams, left us disappointed and full of regrets.

I have taken decisions that I regretted and I’m not ashamed to own up to it or accept the entire blame.

It’s my life and it’s my problem. So I accept every blame that comes with it but to say I have no regret, is a lie.

I’ve spent unwisely before and I’ve also invested in businesses that didn’t yield any fruit. Money issues doesn’t really bother me much because each time I failed in business, I got back up through the grace of God with hardwork.

Moreover materialism is not a big deal to me but in hindsight, I wished I did things differently.

That said, my major regret is the choices I made in my relationships with friends, my partner and family.

Most times I took the wrong decisions out of naivety. I was too trusting and overly empathetic. I took in so much, made sacrifices for people that don’t really deserve it.

Nevertheless, it is one thing to make mistakes and bravely own up to it without dwelling on the past and not beating up yourself for it.

It is another thing to blame people for your mistakes and not accept it. Living in denial.

I have chosen to admit my mistakes and not blame anyone for it. Admitting to it, doesn’t mean I’m dwelling on the past or beating up myself.

I am only evaluating how far, I’ve come with all my mistakes and how much I’ve learnt from it.

It took so long for me to get to where I am now but I got here anyway and I’m better for it.

In essence, owning up to your life mistakes doesn’t make you a failure and it doesn’t make your life any less fulfilling. It only shows you’re a conqueror. Who fell and rose again. To me, that is a badge of honour.