DATING YOUR BESTFRIEND’S EX

How does it feel to date your bestfriend’s ex? It seems awkward to me but I haven’t experienced it before.

One thing I cherish most in friendship and in my relationship, is loyalty. My friends partner, whether current or ex are off limit for me and that’s my own way of showing loyalty to them.

I consider a friend dating my ex as disloyal, especially if she was a confidant during my relationship with him.

I know my ex owes me nothing and he is free to date whoever he wants but the sentimental me, will not be comfortable with him dating my best friend.

It will even be harder on me, if I still love him or if we parted ways with bitterness.

I am good at forgiving people when they hurt me but this might make it a bit difficult to overlook because I will see her as taking sides with my ex and that will be a betrayal to me.

It may sound petty to others but I won’t blame anyone for resenting his or her bestfriend for choosing to date their ex.

There is no law against dating your bestfriend’s ex but it leaves a sour taste in the mouth.

I agree we can’t choose who we fall in love with but I think it’s best we avoid hurting our friends by staying off their current or ex partners.

Please look out for my mid week post on Wednesday the 23rd of August. It is bunchup anniversary special.

A LOVELESS MARRIAGE

There are many couples who are no longer in love with each other but they remain married and still live under the same roof.

One may be in love while the other may not be but they live together anyway, sometimes not caring about each other’s well being.

A friend once told me that, “if you have lived with someone for so many years, it is not easy to walk away from him or her even though you’re no longer in love with the person.

She is right but some couple stay together out of mutual respect for each other even when love is absent and they are civil about it.

I’ve seen people stay in loveless marriages, for financial reasons. Religion is another factor that can keep a couple together with no feelings for each other.

The fear of the unseen future is also a major reason for staying in a loveless union.

Well it is tough for me to be in a loveless marriage, especially now that I’m aware and pragmatic about my relationship needs.

I’ve always said it, I won’t be with someone I have no feelings for, regardless of what he is bringing to the table. It doesn’t matter if he is the president of a country, real affection has to be involved.

I will rather reboot my love for my partner if I fall out of love with him instead of managing the relationship without any feelings for him.

It is a must for me to have a genuine affection for my partner before I can allow him to touch me. No affection, no intimacy.

There is really no fulfilment for me in a loveless marriage, because I will eventually resent my partner if I no longer feel anything for him and I’m forced to stay with him out of pity.

My heart doesn’t have to continue to somersault for him after many years of marriage but I need to feel some good vibes to be with my partner till death do us part.

PROPOSAL

I was recently called an old school because I said I won’t ever propose to a man. I am aware ladies are proposing to men these days and I’m not against it, but I won’t.

Many of my readers might think I’m rigid but this is not about rigidity or being an old school. I have in the past expressed my affection to a man I had a huge crush on and his actions rattled me.

He even accused me of guilt tripping just to put me off but the only thing I was guilty of, was overwhelming him with love messages.

I felt he didn’t really understand the true meaning of guilt tripping, that was why he flippantly accused me of it.

I do intend writing on guilt tripping someday soon, to shed more light on it’s real meaning.

My lack of enthusiasm in proposing to a man is not because my crush rejected my love advances, but his actions gave me an insight to what some men think of women that chase them.

It also helped me (in addition to my other life experiences)to form this decision of not proposing to a man.

I believe men don’t like to be chased by women. They enjoy the thrill of chasing a woman and succeeding. It’s the hunt and kill, a man likes.

If a woman chase a man or proposes to him, some men are quick to think she is too forward. Some are so myopic to the point of thinking it’s not normal.

Very few men are truly open to been proposed to. That is why I’ve always played it safe and allow the man to make the first move.

I cannot be second guessing my partner to know if he is the type that is open to a woman’s proposal or not.

Anyway it doesn’t’t really matter who proposes first. It’s just not my style.

Thoughts on this topic, will be appreciated.

TRYING TOO HARD

Love is all about sacrifice and pleasing our partners but are you trying too hard to please your partner. If you are, then you’re not alone. I am also guilty of doing the same thing.

I should really relate this topic to my past because I no longer see the need to literally knock my head on the wall for someone to love me.

Many young men and women go out of their way to make ridiculous sacrifices at the altar of love which I see as a mistake. I’ve been there, made same mistake.

For example, a young lady rejected a scholarship given to her for further studies abroad with a guaranteed job thereafter because she didn’t want to leave her boyfriend behind.

She was unfortunately dumped later, by the same boyfriend for another lady residing abroad.

I’ve seen men run into financial problems because of a woman. They spend beyond their limit just to please their girlfriend.

A dear friend also thought by having many children, her husband will stay glued to her side. At the detriment of her health she had seven kids which she is raising alone now. No glued husband by her side.

These are few examples of the silly things we do to impress our partners and I see it as trying too hard. I know people like to impress and please their partner but my point is not to over do it.

As I usually say, what will be, will surely be. If someone is going to be with you, she will. Don’t be too desperate to keep someone in your life, if they want to stay, they will stay.

There is even no guarantee your partner will love you more or be faithful to you, if you bend backwards and break your back to please him or her.

Why don’t you just be yourself and let him or her accept you for who you are instead of trying too hard to impress him or her.

If you can’t help him with his laundry tell him instead of pretending to enjoy doing it and grumbling behind his back etc.

If you can’t afford an expensive date let her know your limit.

I believe so much in love and in a loving relationship but we shouldn’t’ be too desperate to please our partner at the detriment of our well being and happiness, especially for partners who may not appreciate our sacrifices.

It took me time to understand this, but I eventually did.

A DEEP SECRET

I was astonished when a friend told me she is going to her grave with a secret she has kept deep in her heart for fifteen years. She had told no one about it but she had to open up to me because she needed my advice.

Why ask me for an advice when she has already made up her mind to die with her secret. I believe her reason for telling me this secret is not to seek for my counsel. I think she felt the need to unburden her overloaded mind.

She was four months pregnant, before she realised it. There were no signs nor symptoms. As she said, everything was normal with her in the early months of her pregnancy and that made it difficult for her to know she was with a child.

She only knew something was amiss, when her stomach started protruding and that made her to visit the hospital where the news was broken to her.

Sadly her partner was no longer in the picture. They broke up three months earlier and she learnt, he has since travelled abroad when she went looking for him to break the shocking news of her pregnancy to him.

Determined not to terminate the pregnancy, she went on with it to term and had a beautiful baby girl who will be fifteen years old in november.

Somewhere along the way, she met someone new and they got married.

To this day, her daughter thinks her stepfather is her real father. Only my friend knows who her biological father is.

Her ex partner who is the real father of her daughter is now back in her life.

They met again through Facebook and he wants to be fully involved with my friend but she has continued to avoid him because she does not want him to meet his daughter. In her words, “I don’t want to rock the boat”.

I know it’s a tricky situation to open up to the two other people involved in this life drama, especially her daughter because she will feel betrayed and deceived by her mother for making her think someone else was her biological father.

In such a situation, I will take my chances and tell both of them. Get the whole damn secret out of my mind and be at peace within me.

I don’t see any reason to hide such secrets. It is too much a burden for someone like me to carry. Moreover I won’t deny my child the right to know her father.

She will be doing herself a favour if she tells those involved and live with whatever happens afterwards, instead of going to her grave with it.

I bet, she will sleep better at night if the secret is out.

Would you advice she tells them both or continue to live a life of deceit?

LIVING OFF YOUR WOMAN

It is becoming increasingly trendy for some men to live off women. It’s like a new norm where men expects women to financially and physically take care of their needs. These men are not ready to reciprocate this kind and loving gesture. They hide behind romance to milk some vulnerable women dry.

You find such men seeking out women who appears financially stable and who are probably looking for a serious relationship. This trend, bothers a lot of women and it is really frustrating to find true love.

Some of this men don’t care about the age or looks of their target. Their main intention is the financial and material gain.

I know this has been in existence for a very long time but the surge in men seeking financial support from women is what baffles me.

I don’t know if the tremendous surge is due to economical down turn and recession in some part of the world or more men are becoming lazy and complacent. Even the perceived decent and responsible men are not left out.

I am not against a woman supporting her man, if he runs into financial problems. I just don’t like men who wants a relationship with me because of what they can benefit.

I am indeed big on gift and giving. I encourage women to also buy gifts for their men but not to take full responsiblity for all his needs.

Like my friend, who sponsored her man through school when he had no job. Fed him and gave him pocket money which he secretly used in financing his other relationship with a much younger lady that he ended up with.

Honestly the surge in men wanting to live off women is becoming alarming and a hot topic between many women in my part of the world, especially older women and this is very distasteful to them.

I can help my man when he is in need and also be there for him but I don’t want to be treated like a sugar mummy.

I just hope reason will prevail and men will allow genuine romance to flourish.

FIGHTING OVER A CHEATING PARTNER

Is it worth fighting over your partner, if you catch him or her cheating on you?

I’ve seen many women and men, especially women fight with other ladies over their partner. Even married people fight over their spouse.

I won’t fight over any man with another woman, in fact I have no business with the woman my partner is cheating with. So why should I stoop so low to publicly humiliate myself over love.

Why give another human being such power over you?

When I was much younger, if I met a lady or a lady comes in to meet me in my partner’s house, I simply observe my partner’s attitude towards me and the other lady.

If he paid more attention to me, I stayed and watch as the drama unfolds. If he paid more attention to her or he tries to appear neutral as if he has no relationship going with me, I leave immediately.

No comment, no argument, just goodbye see you later. If he still wants me, he will come back begging and my self esteem will still be intact.

I see ladies tear each other’s clothes to shreds over a man. The man will sometimes stand aloof and allow them to dig at each other. Some who feel concerned, will try and separate the two fighting ladies.

When a woman is caught cheating and it comes down to fisticuffs between her partners, the cheating woman usually support the man she likes more among the two.

I call it a dirty fight. It is not in anyone’s interest to lose your dignity or a limb over love. If you catch your man or your woman cheating on you, walk away and let them come begging if they still want you.

It will now be up to you, to either forgive him or end the relationship if you’re no longer interested.

If you must get angry, direct your anger at your partner, not the person he or she is cheating with it and don’t be violent.

There is plenty fish in the ocean, don’t ridicule yourself over someone who may not even appreciate your love.

If it hurts to see your partner with someone else, don’t fight. It will eventually get better if you can persevere.

HOW LONG SHOULD A COUPLE DATE

How long should a couple date each other before getting married? This has been the question on the lips of the few young adult I counseled this past week.

Two years is enough to date your partner and settle down with him or her. Anything beyond that to me, means you’re not financially ready or you have doubts about marrying your partner.

No matter how long you date each other, there is no guarantee you will know everything about your partner or totally understand him or her.

You have to live with someone or experience a particular situation with the person before you can truly understand the way they react to individual situations.

Even if you dated someone for five years before getting married to him or her and you think you know this person very well, you will still experience a rude shock when she exhibit an attitude you least expect of her

Some people dated for six months, settled down and their marriage worked out fine.

Other couples who got married after six months of dating, ended up in a fiasco. Some people will say it is luck but I will say it’s a two way thing.

I’ve also seen people dating for as long as seven years, before getting married and they separated at last. Some even broke up before they could plan a wedding, while others were able to have a successful marriage.

Suffice to say, it is not how long but how well. I think the border line period should be two years. Two years is relatively enough to know the basics about a person and to make up your mind, if the person is worthy of your love forever.

You will be cheating yourself, if you go longer than that and end up separating after investing so much into the relationship both physically and emotionally.

If you’re not ready for marriage within two years of dating, let your partner know. Open up your intention. Do the honourable thing and don’t deceive anyone into believing you have the noble intention of marrying him or her, when you don’t.

Like I said in my last post, know what you want from your relationship. If it’s not happening as it should be, please don’t waste your time anticipating it will happen some day soon.

This is about you, you should understand the difference between been patient and wasting time.

KNOWING WHAT YOU WANT

I like it when a man tells me exactly what he wants from me or what he is expecting from our relationship.

It makes life and the relationship a lot easier to manage and you wouldn’t have to waste precious time on a partner that is not meeting your needs and desires.

I didn’t start out knowing what I wanted from my romantic relationship. Mine was to fall in love and just go with the flow.

Apparently, that didn’t work out for me because I was floating in an empty relationship that didn’t fulfill my heart desires.

Years down the line with maturity, I seriously know what I want from my man and I won’t probably settle for too less.

My fruit should not fall far from it’s tree. That is how, I view my choices now.

There are men and women who are very honest from the beginning. They lay their cards bare on the table and are prepared to walk away instead of compromising their integrity.

Some men who knows what they want and are not afraid to ask for it, will tell you they are just looking to have fun with you, no marriage, no babies. That is fair and honest enough.

If you want the same thing with this person, go for it otherwise look for someone else who wants what you want. Who is ready to take full responsibility when it happens.

Some women will agree to this arrangement and still get pregnant with the hope that the man will change his mind and marry them.

When that does not happen, they cry foul.

If a person has told you, what he or she wants from you from the beginning and you agree to it. You don’t need to pull a fast one or be disappointed with the outcome of the relationship if you derailed.

I can never put myself in a baby mama situation, unless I’m willing to solely take care of that child.

That is why we have to set a relationship standard for ourselves from the beginning and not jump into any relationship.

I’ve learnt my life lessons the hard way and it’s painful to be in an unsatisfying relationship. You will just be drifting through life until something gives.

This is your life and you get to live it once, no season two. It is not worth wasting time in a relationship that only makes you uncomfortable.

Be with someone that will treat you right or walk away, if he or she is not right for you before you invest too much of your time in the relationship.

A partner that can meet 65% of my relationship needs is a pass mark to me.

To avoid confusion and disappointment in your romantic life. Identify what your relationship needs are, the kind of partner you wish to be with and stick with it. That doesn’t mean you’re not flexible, you’re only been cautious.

You will be a lot happier if you’re with the kind of partner your heart desire, instead of trying to change or hoping someone will change to the type of partner you want.

Don’t sell yourself short or you will look back in regret.

LIVING LIFE AND ENJOYING IT

Are you living your life to the fullest or are you waiting for things to fall in the right places before you enjoy it?

Well I don’t think it is worth waiting for things to fall in the right places before we enjoy life.

We can live with the situations we find ourselves, positive or negative and still enjoy life as long as we are hopeful things will get better someday.

Some of us want to marry the right partner, buy a dream car, save enough to buy or build a home, become a college graduate, get a great job, succeed in our businesses, etc before we can live.

We believe we cannot enjoy life without achieving most of our goals or fulfilIing most of our needs. We live miserably because we haven’t attained what we perceive as the arriving point of our lives.

Things may not necessarily workout for you, as planned. Will you continue to wait till thy kingdom come for it to happen before you start to live.

I’ve been guilty of not living my life to the fullest for many years, until I decide to change.

I was waiting to build my own house and live comfortably before I could concentrate on living.

It really feels refreshing to live life without been stagnant or waiting for the perfect time to kick start my life.

I live for now and I enjoy every moment of it, without too much anticipation.

Life is too short to be waiting for it to happen before we can enjoy it.

Take the bull by the horn and stop waiting for everything to be rosy or else life will pass you by.

Live life and enjoy it.