KNOWING WHAT YOU WANT

I like it when a man tells me exactly what he wants from me or what he is expecting from our relationship.

It makes life and the relationship a lot easier to manage and you wouldn’t have to waste precious time on a partner that is not meeting your needs and desires.

I didn’t start out knowing what I wanted from my romantic relationship. Mine was to fall in love and just go with the flow.

Apparently, that didn’t work out for me because I was floating in an empty relationship that didn’t fulfill my heart desires.

Years down the line with maturity, I seriously know what I want from my man and I won’t probably settle for too less.

My fruit should not fall far from it’s tree. That is how, I view my choices now.

There are men and women who are very honest from the beginning. They lay their cards bare on the table and are prepared to walk away instead of compromising their integrity.

Some men who knows what they want and are not afraid to ask for it, will tell you they are just looking to have fun with you, no marriage, no babies. That is fair and honest enough.

If you want the same thing with this person, go for it otherwise look for someone else who wants what you want. Who is ready to take full responsibility when it happens.

Some women will agree to this arrangement and still get pregnant with the hope that the man will change his mind and marry them.

When that does not happen, they cry foul.

If a person has told you, what he or she wants from you from the beginning and you agree to it. You don’t need to pull a fast one or be disappointed with the outcome of the relationship if you derailed.

I can never put myself in a baby mama situation, unless I’m willing to solely take care of that child.

That is why we have to set a relationship standard for ourselves from the beginning and not jump into any relationship.

I’ve learnt my life lessons the hard way and it’s painful to be in an unsatisfying relationship. You will just be drifting through life until something gives.

This is your life and you get to live it once, no season two. It is not worth wasting time in a relationship that only makes you uncomfortable.

Be with someone that will treat you right or walk away, if he or she is not right for you before you invest too much of your time in the relationship.

A partner that can meet 65% of my relationship needs is a pass mark to me.

To avoid confusion and disappointment in your romantic life. Identify what your relationship needs are, the kind of partner you wish to be with and stick with it. That doesn’t mean you’re not flexible, you’re only been cautious.

You will be a lot happier if you’re with the kind of partner your heart desire, instead of trying to change or hoping someone will change to the type of partner you want.

Don’t sell yourself short or you will look back in regret.

LIVING LIFE AND ENJOYING IT

Are you living your life to the fullest or are you waiting for things to fall in the right places before you enjoy it?

Well I don’t think it is worth waiting for things to fall in the right places before we enjoy life.

We can live with the situations we find ourselves, positive or negative and still enjoy life as long as we are hopeful things will get better someday.

Some of us want to marry the right partner, buy a dream car, save enough to buy or build a home, become a college graduate, get a great job, succeed in our businesses, etc before we can live.

We believe we cannot enjoy life without achieving most of our goals or fulfilIing most of our needs. We live miserably because we haven’t attained what we perceive as the arriving point of our lives.

Things may not necessarily workout for you, as planned. Will you continue to wait till thy kingdom come for it to happen before you start to live.

I’ve been guilty of not living my life to the fullest for many years, until I decide to change.

I was waiting to build my own house and live comfortably before I could concentrate on living.

It really feels refreshing to live life without been stagnant or waiting for the perfect time to kick start my life.

I live for now and I enjoy every moment of it, without too much anticipation.

Life is too short to be waiting for it to happen before we can enjoy it.

Take the bull by the horn and stop waiting for everything to be rosy or else life will pass you by.

Live life and enjoy it.

MOCKING YOUR PARTNER

How many of us pay attention to what we say to hurt our partners? Some of us blurt out words, we can never take back and this can cause resentment between you and your partner.

It is very painful when we mock our partner with their secret and their shortcomings. I consider it a betrayal.

It is a betrayal to me because your partner should be the closest person to you. Your confidant, someone you run to when the whole world is against you. So when he becomes the mockery master, it drives a dagger through my heart.

You don’t bluntly tell your partner she is fat, even though she is obviously fat and wants to know if she is. You have to be diplomatic with your answer or else, it may sound as if you’re mocking her.

You should also know that, it is very low to hit back at your partner with what they share with you in private moments.

Mentioning how your partner moan and groan in bed while making love is embarrassing to me, especially when you joke about it in a mocking way.

If you want to talk about your partner’s snoring habit, don’t rub it in or dwell on it for too long. Avoid been dramatic about sensitive issues.

When you’re having a misunderstandings with your partner, please don’t refer to or insult them with what they told you in confidence. That is the lowest anyone can go with me.

I can even tolerate be told I’m fat and ugly but don’t insult me with what I shared with you in secret.

It is not as if I cannot handle a joke or criticism but some issues are too sensitive to joke about because it may sound humiliating.

For example, if your partner told you he embezzled money in the past and has repented but you think the best way to hit back at him when he hurts you, is to call him a thief. Then you’re breeding resentment.

Some can drop words to such partner like, “once a thief, always a thief”. To batter his ego.

If you do that to me, I will never confide in you again and that will thin out my trust in you..

I am not saying you should tip toe around your partner or be uptight. Just be considerate of their feelings and don’t throw caution to the wind because they are tolerating your excesses too.

In summary, if your partner can not measure up to your standard, instead of mocking them with it, take them for who they are. Be subtle with your demand for change or let them go.

It will be better to always treat others the way we want to be treated.

NOT TOO YOUNG TO BE MARRIED

Is there really an ideal age to get married? Well I don’t think so. Marriage isn’t about age to me, I feel it is more about a person’s state of mind and maturity.

Someone once told me, getting married too young is suicidal because you’re still literally learning how to tie your shoe lace and not ready to be a husband or a wife.

I completely disagree with this thought. People get married at twenty or forty and they either got it right or wrong.

I think you’re ready to get married, as long as you’re an adult. Financially independent, matured physically and emotionally to handle what comes with marriage.

You need all these factors to keep a marriage going and as long as you’ve got it, you’re ready to roll.

A twenty four years old male who came to me for counseling, said he was told by his parents that he was too young to get married when he was twenty one.

His fiancee then, left him because she felt he was not man enough to stand up to his parents and wouldn’t make a good husband if he could not stand firm on his decision.

To this day, he resents his parents for discouraging him. He felt his parents changed the direction of his life and left him with a low self esteem.

He also hasn’t been able to hold down a serious relationship since then.

I’ve encouraged him to move on, forgive his parents and see them as been over protective of him. Not with the intention to sabotage his happiness.

Nevertheless, as parents there is so much we can do for our kids if they have become adults.

If they say, they are ready for marriage, we shouldn’t stop them as long as they are adults.

It is best to allow them, learn from their mistakes and we shouldn’t be over protective.

If you’re an adult and you’ve got what it takes, you’re not too young to get married.

Stay Happy☺

THE DIFFERENCE

The difference between two people are enormous, yet they agree to come together to form a union. Through marriage, in love and affection for each other.

Do you know that, this difference between them will always reflect in their relationship.

Men always want women to react to issues like them, while women wants men to respond to everything the way a woman will. This is absolutely not possible.

Aside from the fact that men and women are physically different, they are also from a different background. Raised by two different people with different outlook to life.

This difference is majorly the cause of problems between couples. No matter how close or loving they are towards each other, there will always be frictions between them.

In learning more about life, love and relationship, I always look for the easiest way to cohabit with one another with very little stress.

Most of our adult life is spent as a couple and relationships can most times be difficult, stressful and challenging.

I think our relationship can be less stressful and more enjoyable, if we accept the difference between us and see it as normal.

You will no longer be shocked, react irrational or be grossly offended if your partner does or says a different thing from what you expected.

Once you have it at the back of your mind, that your partner is different from you, there will be more understanding in your relationship. You will also be more tolerant.

In hindsight! If I knew what I know now, my relationship may probably have been glorious but it is never too late for us to put to use the knowledge we acquire along the journey of life and we learn everyday.

Reflect on this, it may bring peace and tranquility into your marriage and in your relationship. Knowledge is power.

AN ULTIMATUM

If you cannot match your words with action, please don’t give your partner an ultimatum. You will only make him or her dismiss your words and take you more for granted.

I’ve seen men and women threaten to walk out of their relationship for being taken for granted but they end up eating their words and ignored by their partner.

Some partner may change for the better if they feel their relationship is truly threatened by the ultimatum.
Others can be lackadaisical about it, hoping their partner will not go through with the threat.

While some partners will stand their ground and wait for you, to do your worse. Especially when they are not sober or are being accused wrongly.

Don’t just throw out words, to scare or intimidate your partner if you’re not ready or strong enough to see it to a logical conclusion. It will only make you look unserious and more open to abuse.

If you give your partner an ultimatum for cheating on you, to either stop or risk the chance of losing you. Put your words into action and don’t back down until you’re taken serious.

You must also confirm your partner is guilty of your accusation before you reel out threat or it might backfire on you, if you’re wrong.

Moreover don’t make it a way of life or a regular thing because your partner will see it as a joke.

I implore you, not to use it as a cheap blackmail because you know your partner loves you and will do your bidding. That to me, is manipulative.

Using an ultimatum as a tool for blackmail and revenge in the bedroom is tasteless, so don’t play a tit for tat game with your partner.

People don’t like to be threatened, only give an ultimatum when it is absolutely necessary and when you have exhausted other means. It will carry more weight when it is seldomly used.

Above all, say it only when you mean it and do unto others as you want others to do unto you.

NO MORE ARGUMENT

I believe couples can live together without constant argument. We all know that most argument can lead to friction, even when it’s not intended. So why can’t we avoid it.

I’m usually not a confrontational person, I will rather walk away than get into a fight with anyone.

You may think I’m docile because I don’t act on my anger. Well I am not, I just don’t see the need to burnout myself over every issue.

For instance if something is blue and you insist it is black, instead of it to degenerate into an argument, I will assume you choose to see it that way. It may also appear black from your own angle or you’re colour blind.

That will not necessarily change my own view of the colour.

I don’t like to force my opinion on anyone and you don’t have to always agree with my view neither do I have to always agree with yours.

When I try to explain something to you and you don’t see it my way, I will back off before it turns ugly.

It is necessary to also keep quiet when your partner is fuming because arguing with him or her at that point, will only make things worse. Silence sometimes is golden.

In conclusion, if you’re the type that always like to argue with your partner, start small by ignoring mundane issues.

If you have to argue, don’t over stretch it. From thereon you will see the need to stop arguing. Don’t feed your anger with argument.

You can always make your point clear without forcing it.

Being peaceful doesn’t make you a coward and you don’t need to prove you’re right all the time.

If you need peace, give peace.

No more argument please!

DREAMING OUT LOUD

Would you quit your relationship because your partner calls out another person’s name in his or her sleep?

A lady is breaking up with her partner for this reason and I find it funny that someone will hold her partner responsible for what comes out of his mouth while sleeping. I don’t think anyone has control over such things.

We sometimes dream when we sleep and some of us talk while asleep, that doesn’t make what we say real.

Anyway, my account officer have decided to leave her partner because he was constantly shouting out Rebecca in his sleep and her own name is Freda.

She felt her partner was cheating on her with Rebecca and that was enough evidence to pull the plug on their relationship.

I think it is rather myopic to break up with your partner for dreaming out loud.

You need more than someone talking in their sleep for you to end a relationship. Although she said, her partner twice called her Rebecca when he was wide awake and that left her feeling humiliated.

She no longer wish to stay with a partner that is dreaming of another woman.

Freda wants me to support her and castigate her partner but I told her, she has no physical evidence that is convincing enough to make me believe that her partner was truly cheating on her.

What you say while sleeping shouldn’t count because it is not real. Anyone can also randomly mix up names while awake. I do that sometimes, when I’m absent minded.

I toId her to give her partner, the benefit of doubt since he denied knowing anyone called Rebecca and has begged for forgiveness. I would have supported her, if her partner called out Rebecca’s name when they were been intimate but he didn’t.

Calling out a different person’s name while been intimate with another is a different ball game but this didn’t happen between them.

He may be lying and he may not but there is no hard evidence to prove he is lying and cheating on her with Rebecca.

I’ve said my bit, the rest is up to her to look past that slip or quit the relationship but I won’t end a relationship based on what I heard from someone sleeping.

MISUNDERSTOOD

I’ve been down for the last six days but thankfully I was strong enough to write today.

The only thing that got me going since Monday was my sense of humour and I also distracted myself with the social media otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to lift a finger by now.

Anyway my young niece came over to cheer me up yesterday with her baby and she didn’t leave without asking for my counsel.

I thought she was going to just let me enjoy her company but no, she had to make me talk more than I wanted to.

Her worries, which she permitted me to share with my readers since there is something to learn from it, seems to rattle her.

She had her first child seven months ago and sex between her husband and her, has reduced since over five months back. Without talking to her hubby, she assumed he no longer find her attractive because she had a baby.

She said, her husband is working harder and longer than he did before she put to bed.

I felt she misunderstood her husband diminished interest in sex, as a lack of interest in her body.

For crying out loud, the young man is working harder and longer to provide for his young family and he comes home exhausted after long hours at work.

There is bound to be changes in his sexual appetite, unless he is James Bond.

For someone like me, that is the clue and answer to her worries.

Exhaustion is the culprit, not the lack of interest in her post baby body. He has continued to be nice and considerate towards her. It is only the sex that has reduced not stopped. That is a signal he still cares.

With his kind of work commitment, if he didn’t find her attractive he won’t make any effort to check her out at all.

Clearly my niece wants more of her husband and there is nothing bad in wanting more. After all, they are married and she loves him.

I told my niece to lovingly talk to him to slow down and reduce is long hours of work because she needs more of his attention. She should avoid friction between them, by not giving him an ultimatum and not sound as if she is trying to control him.

She will have to also manage whatever her husband can provide and not complain about money, if he has to work less. Alternatively she can find a daycare for her baby and simply get a job to support his income.

That can enable him reduce his work load and pay more attention in the bedroom.

Working so hard doesn’t really mean partners, shouldn’t pay attention to each other’s needs. We have to learn to balance our lives but when it becomes too difficult to do, we can cut each other some slacks and bear with our partner till the situation improves.

Many spouse have sometimes been misunderstood. We shouldn’t always see a wrong move by our partner as hostile, it can easily be an innocent reaction.

Talk to your partner, if you don’t understand what is going on with him or her. There is no harm in asking questions and please apply wisdom in your judgement.

Happy Sunday.

A SINGLE PARENT

It is tough to successfully raise children as a couple. Imagine when children are been raised by one person.

Becoming a single parent is mostly not intentional, we all know it can happen through the loss of a spouse, desertion, divorce or disappointment and it can happen to anyone.

A married person can also be a single parent in an ongoing marriage if one of them is not living up to his or her responsibility as a parent.

When you find yourself alone with your kids, you become their father and their mother all rolled into one. The sole provider of their emotional, physical and financial needs. Which can drain the life out of you.

To raise a successful child as parents, is a feat to me. To achieve it as a single parent is a double feat because I know what it takes to be a parent.

What baffles me, is the negative attitude of some people towards a single parent. They see them as weak and not capable of raising their children alone. Moreover they don’t get enough support from the society.

Well it doesn’t mean that a child raised by both parents will automatically turn out good neither does it mean they will turn out bad. Same goes for a single parent.

What many forget is that, the ability to successfully raise children is not by being single or as a couple. It all depends on individual parenting skill.

I know couples who are weak with wayward children and I’ve seen couples who are doing a good job as parents. I have also seen a single parent who is doing a fantastic job with his kids. Another single parent I know, can’t keep it together.

Parenting skills depends on individual capabilities not their status so don’t judge a single parent from where you’re sitting.

I have a particular friend I admire who is a single parent. She is working so hard to raise her lovely kids despite all odds.

Shoutout to her and all the single parent out there, doing a great job. It is tough to do it alone yet, you’re doing your best.

Find joy in the success of your children because you have earned it.