LEARN TO SAY NO

I felt it was selfish to say “No” to my partner, family and friends, even when I had to go out of my way to please them but it is not.

Not knowing how to say no to people have cost me alot of discomfort and regret. I always want to please people to show my humility and to show how much I care about them but they won’t hesitate to give me a cold shoulder when push comes to shove.

Most people are basically selfish, they will always ask and want more, especially when they know you’re kind and willing but they not ready to give in return.

Once they find a gullible person in you, you’re in trouble. They will continue to take advantage of you until you learn how to say no to them. If you start refusing their request, they will no longer see you as a good person.

That is why we should learn to say no and not be vulnerable to abuse by selfish people.

We should also extend it to our partner because you can’t also please them all the time.

I know we have to make a lot of sacrifices in our marriages or partnership but I believe we don’t have to completely bend inside out to please our partner or do unethical things to show we love them.

Some of us don’t know how to say no but if your partner or anyone is asking you to do what you detest, please say no. You can let him or her down gently but make sure you get the message through to him.

No one should force you to do what you don’t want to do. Don’t feel obliged to say yes to what will dehumanise you, simply because you love your partner too much to refuse her.

If you’re going to hate your partner later for it, put your foot down and say no.

Love yourself enough to know when and how to say no to a request that is detrimental to your health, happiness and wellbeing. Saying no to your partner doesn’t make you a bad person or make you to love him less, as long as you’re saying no for the right reason.

Don’t do what you will regret later, loving someone doesn’t mean you have to please them all the time.

MARITAL STATUS

I don’t know why people judge others by their marital status.

Even when you’re filling forms to obtain your drivers license or other things, you find a column for marital status.

Who cares, who is single, married or divorced. Unless you’re interested in a relationship with the person why should you care. Why should it matter so much to the society. I think a next of kin column can serve the purpose a marital status column will serve.

Married or single, should not be a form of identity or a yard stick to measure who is responsible or not.

If you’re seeking for a political office in my part of the world, the first thing people want to know about you is your marital status. As if it will determine your efficiency.

That is why some people in my country rush into marriage or stay in a bad one, so that they can earn the respect of the society. You find men introducing themselves as a responsible family man to oil their over bloated ego.

Women also judge their fellow women. Single or divorced women are isolated at towns meetings. Married women meet as a group, while the other women meet with the men’s group. Creating an artificial barrier among themselves and giving room for gossip.

It is indeed a sad perspective to life. Married, single or divorced means nothing to me as long as you’re happy. I feel so sad, living in a society that judge people by their marital status.

It is simply myopic. God does not judge anyone by their marital status. You’re individually judged by the most high and he will not ask you, for your spouse or children on the judgement day.

It will be everyone for himself or herself. I just hope my country can move away from this archaic belief and step into the light.

Married, single or divorced, should not determine your happiness. It is you that knows where the shoe pinches and no one can judge you, if they haven’t walked in your shoes.

Whatever your status is, don’t let people stereotype you and label you. You’re are a star, a shinning star and no one should make you feel any less.

PUTTING YOURSELF OUT THERE

I recently had a conversation with a lady in her mid thirties and she told me she doesn’t want to search for a partner by herself. She wants God to send someone to her.

This is a lady that runs a home based tailoring business. Doesn’t go out much, except when she goes to supply the school uniforms she sows for private schools. The other places she visits, are the market and the church.

She doesn’t like to attend parties or join a dating site. She is also not in any group in her church. According to her, she is a lone ranger.

All she believes is that, God will miraculously send a partner to her. Perhaps a stranger will knock on her door and sweep her off her feet. How that will happen, I do not know.

I know God works in mysterious ways but how will she meet the partner, that God will send to her if she locks herself up at home and hardly mingle.

I am not saying she cannot meet someone on her market or supply runs but she believes, she doesn’t have to make herself available before her God sent partner finds her.

I told her to join a youth group in her church if she doesn’t want to socialise on any other platform. At least put herself somewhere, somebody will notice her. Hiding at home and praying for a partner, is like praying for a job without searching for it.

Every believer wants God to give them a worthy partner, we all pray for it but you have to make an effort yourself. You have to put yourself where you will be found not hide yourself. You can’t just sit back and expect a miracle to happen.

It is a child that raises his arms that the mother will carry. It is when you make an effort that God will support you.

If you want God to send you a partner, you have to take the first step. Put yourself out there and pray to God for the right person to find you. Not hide yourself and put God to task.

Heaven helps those who help themselves.

NEAR BUT FAR

Do you know you can be in a relationship and still feel lonely?

When your partner is not connecting with you on so many levels and you have this feeling of emptiness, then you’re in a near but far relationship.

Such partner are physically near but emotionally disconnected and distance. You can feel their physical presences in your life but their actions and attitude towards you, makes you feel lonely.

A near but far partner, always think she is doing her best to make you happy while the opposite is the case. To them, you’re being too hard to please.

A partner that likes to do everything on his own without involving or informing his spouse, is near but far. They keep secrets, while you are open to him or her.

They feel more superior especially when they are successful and powerful. Some have nothing, only ego yet they feel more superior. They also like to subdue their partner and they are equally controlling.

Their manner of approach may be business like because they don’t want to give you an opportunity to argue with them and they feel, they are always right.

When you argue with a partner that is near but far or try to get your point across to him, he will say you’re not being submissive.

Some see you as a possession not a partner. Others may not necessarily have a negative attittude but they just don’t know, how to relate with you. This brings up continuous disagreement, leaving you disconnected.

Once there is no togetherness in your relationship and you find yourself or your partner leading an individual life with no emotional connection, please know you’re in a near but far relationship.

I don’t like to struggle for my partner’s affection so a near but far relationship is not for me.

It is either my body and soul including my partner’s are involved or I opt out. I will gladly Iook for someone else that is more than willing to stay emotionally connected to me than settle for less because staying in a near but far relationship can make one miserable and sad.

As I’ve said in my last post, it is good to share our lives with a partner but we should be with people that shows they genuinely want and value us.

There is no point in getting involved or staying involved with someone that makes you feel alone and unloved.

A near but far relationship is the same thing as being alone.

SINGLE FOR A REASON

Valentine’s day has come and gone, yet some people have remained single. Many don’t mind their single status, while others does but they all have reasons for staying single.

Some people find it hard to love and trust again, when their hearts has been broken. They shut down and close up their hearts. Not wanting to take any risk or get involved with someone else.

Others are yet to find a compatible partner and have remained single for this reason.

Some few friends have also told me that, they are too busy for any romantic relationship or marriage. They like being single and only want to satisfy their sexual needs.

With the above highlighted reasons for being single, I still believe in getting involved. A relationship is a beautiful place to be. Finding someone to love and care for, is simply awesome.

I am not emphasising on marriage but at least have a companion, have someone in your life that will keep you company. You can take it to the next level if you wish.

Love and relationship is therapeutic for whoever find a good and considerate soul to love. I will rather be in love than be alone.

Loneliness is not a good thing both mentally and physically. The warmth and companionship of a genuine partner, can lift your spirit and cheer you up.

Life is ever challenging and walking through it alone, is tough. Why not get a compatible partner to walk through life with you and make life a little less difficult.

I know you’re single for a reason but you have the power to change your status. You can’t say because your heart was broken you will never love again.

Would you say, you will not drive again because you had a vehicular accident? You will only be careful the next time you handle a vehicle. Same with falling in love.

I know there is no perfect human being but you can find someone that can treat you right. There is always a partner for everyone of us. All we need to do, is to open up ourselves to the right person.

Love begins with you.

CELEBRATING LOVE

The world is in a frenzy because of Valentine’s day celebration. Year after year, it is being colourfully celebrated. I guess Valentine’s day has come to stay and we all know it, as an official day for celebrating love.

I don’t have much lined up for today, except for work and sharing gifts with friends. I will probably watch a movie when I get back home, listen to music and dance to my heart’s delight.

I have no lunch date nor a dinner date planned. No one is serenading me neither am I expecting any gift or cards. It’s just me and my God. (super)

That doesn’t make it, less fun for me. I am in a cheerful mood and basking in the euphoria of this happy day. Believing still in love and celebrating it in my own way.

There is an official day to mark one thing or the other. Just like father’s day and mother’s day celebrations, etc. So it is really awesome to have a special day to celebrate love.

Bless the soul of Saint Valentine who was considered worthy of celebrating and has made February 14 a day to celebrate love.

I pray today brings a lot of joy to everyone and may those who are looking for love find it.

Happy Valentine’s day to all my family, friends, co- bloggers and readers. Have fun and make it a memorable day.

Spread love today and always..

INTIMIDATION

Why do men feel intimidated by successful women? Why do they think, they cannot handle or enjoy a relationship with a woman who has more to offer.

In some parts of the world, a lot of men have ego issues. They believe women are to be seen not heard and it is really unfair for women, to been seen as a lesser being.

I believe a man should be proud of a successful partner not resent or envy her. He should consider such woman a blessing not a competition and he should not be intimidated by her status.

What I have as a woman belongs to my immediate family which includes my partner and kids. My success should be a glory to my partner as long as I don’t lord it over him. His success should also be a glory to me.

Many women are working and becoming successful. Supporting their families and making life, financially easier for them.

It’s time for some men to drop their huge ego, embrace their partner and be their support system. So that some marriages with such issues can work. We are in the twenty first century, women like to work and even become the President of a country.

Find joy in your partner’s success, be her support system and encourage her to be the best at what she does instead of feeling intimidated by her. That woman will adore you and be the best for you.

Quit whining because she is richer or more successful. Women should also not take their partner for granted or disrespect them because they are more successful. It works both ways.

It’s a man’s world we all know but men should make it a lot easier for women.

OBSESSION

I remember when I use to be obsessively in love. When I hopelessly and helplessly love someone that I couldn’t control my feelings and emotions.

Life was a learning process for me then. It wasn’t until late last year that I took charge of my emotions and stopped been obsessively in love. I couldn’t help but talk about it now and laugh at myself a little for my naivety.

Obsession is described as a persistent and an unrelenting desire for a subject or an object that you can’t explain or control.

You feel this burning need to pursue the subject or object of your desire.

When we are obsessed with our partners, we never get tired of spending time with them. Always wanting more of them. Yearning and pining when they are away. Constantly thinking and daydreaming about him or her.

Good or bad, you just want this person and only this person, no one else matters to you.

Before I took charge of my emotions a few months ago, I always proudly call myself a hopeless romantic. Indeed I was a hopeless romantic, I lived for love and enjoyed been in love.

Selflessly devoting myself to my partner and putting his needs before mine. Loving him no matter his shortcomings. Well l thought, that was how it should be when you are head of heels in love. I did learn the hard way and I know better now.

Obsession is not a thing I encourage, it is pure torture. You love someone to a standstill, to a point that you can’t explain or control yourself. You become a total fool for the sake of love. Blinded by love and overwhelmed by passion for one individual. Stupidly drooling over him.

When you’re obsessed with your partner, you find it difficult to say no to his or her request. You want to do everything to please him or her, even at your own detriment. Sacrificing so much and unnecessarily punishing yourself.

You believe everything he or she says to you, not minding if she is lying or cheating on you.

If your partner knows you’re obsessed with him or her, most can take full advantage of you and exploit you. Remote controlling you. While others can feel suffocated by your attention and just push you away.

Most times people we are obsessed with, don’t feel the same way about us. Believe me, obsessing over anyone is not worth it. It’s best not to cross that line.

Stay on the safe side and just love with your senses intact. Stay calm and enjoy your relationship, don’t torture yourself. Love simple, love easy. No obsessing.

I LOVE YOU

This past week was mostly uneventful, untill a young undergraduate complained to me that her boyfriend steals her money and each time he confronts him about this fact, the only thing he says is “I love you’

She said, she becomes soft on him after hearing those words and they just kiss and make up. What has stealing got to do with I love you, I wondered. Anyway I told her, anyone can say I love you and not mean a word of it. Apparently her boyfriend is using those sweet words as a defensive tool and taking advantage of her affection for him.

He knows once he says those words to her, it’s game over.

I told her to sit him down, tell him to either change or cut him loose otherwise he will continue to steal from her and get away with it. She is too young to enslave herself in such an unhealthy and a manipulative relationship. It is only going to get worse.

“I love you’ has become an over used cliche that is constantly used by people whether they mean it or not. A partner that steals your money and dismisses it as a non issue, is clearly not truly in love with you.

If truly he is honest with you, why can’t he ask instead of stealing. Even if you end up not giving him or her, it is still better to ask than steal it from someone you claim to love.

I love you, has to be matched with actions not just words. I will rather you show me you love me than tell me. That is why I am economical with these three words. I don’t say it unless I mean it.

When you ask me how I feel about you, I can say I like you or just smile instead of lying to you. Especially if I’m not sure of my feelings for you.

Someone can tell you I love you now and throw you in front of a moving bus the next minute. They can say it today just to get you into bed and dump you the next day. You will be left, wondering what suddenly changed. People can say anything to get their way.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying people don’t say “I love you’ on face value and truly mean it. It’s up to you to decipher the truth from a lie. He or she has to confirm their affection more with the way they relate with you than mere rhetorics. Your partner can’t steal from you and say I love you, then you believe him or her hook line and sinker.

You have to seek more than these three words to be sure of your partner true feelings for you. Don’t go to sleep feeling totally convinced, because your partner or a potiential partner says he or she loves you. The word means nothing to some people and it is so easy for them to blurt it out just to score a point. Their body language and actions must match their words otherwise take it with a pinch of salt.

To those that find it easy to deceive their partners by saying I love you and not mean it, I’m sure you know it is absolutely unfair. I am not trying to beat up anyone but I think saying I love you, should be said only when we truly mean it. Remember! what goes around, comes around.

THE MARRIAGE ENDED BEFORE IT BEGAN

I was getting ready yesterday morning, to attend the wedding ceremony of my neighbour’s younger brother and running late for the Church service, when my neighbour came up to my apartment to announce that the wedding has been cancelled.

She told me, the bride was caught in a compromising situation with another man.

In details, the groom had visited his fiancee a day to the wedding. To collect the ring bearer’s suit, who was his nephew. The suit was earlier returned for amendment. He left the bride’s house earlier that day to enable her get her hair done.

Half way to his house, he realised he had forgotten to collect the ring bearer’s suit which was his primary reason for visiting her. Without calling, he headed back to her house.

He got there and found out she had gone to fix her hair as planned. After waiting longer than he anticipated, he went in search of her at the salon. He was told, she had long gone to see a friend called Cynthia. Thinking she was helping her client, the hairstylist innocently pointed the groom to cynthia’s house. Cynthia and the bride are both regular clients of the salon.

Knocking on Cynthia’s door, an older guy appeared and the bride was discovered half naked in the house. The bride was actually dating Cynthia’s elder brother.

After the initial shock, the groom left without saying a word, switched off his phone and didn’t contact anyone until the next day. Nobody knew he wasn’t going to attend his wedding until the D day.

The church was packed full the next morning with the officiating priest, family and some invited guest. Who were waiting for the groom to show up. It was after he called to cancelled the ceremony, that the bride realised the groom was not going to save face. She knew what she did was wrong and didn’t tell anyone what happened the night before. She was also too afraid to go after the groom that night. So she braved it, came to the Church, pretended all was well until the groom called.

My neighbour was very angry with her brother. He should have showed up for the wedding and saved face, she said. The bride was probably having a last fling and her brother could have easily look the other way and forgiven her instead of making a mountain out of a molehill. They would have all been saved the embarrassment.

If it was the other way round, the bride would have surely forgiven him and attended the wedding anyway. Many women would have gone ahead with the wedding, she said. Yes other people may have gone ahead with the wedding but her brother couldn’t, I said.

I told my neighbour, that wasn’t a molehill. She shouldn’t condone what the bride did and not take sides with her. Heaping the entire blame on her brother wasn’t reasonable either. It must have taken a lot for him to have walked away instead of attending his wedding and avoiding the embarrassment. Moreover what the bride did, was too painful for him to bear.

How do you think such a marriage would have eventually played out? Starting out with so much distrust and pain. To me, he took the best decision by walking away.

What would you have done? Attend the wedding and save face or simply walk away.